Characters
Darth Vader-Medium part.
Luke Skywalker-Give this part to Bill.
Han Solo-Large part.
Princess Leia-Medium part.
C3PO-Medium part.
Stormtroper-Medium part.

Author's Note: I'm very sorry. I couldn't resist. Please don't kill me.

(Long, long ago, in a living room far far away.....)
(Darth Vader is sitting in the living room, reading the Galactic Times. Enter Luke Skywalker.)
LS: Dad, can I have the keys to the Tie fighter? I have a hot date tonight. We're going down to Tashi station to pick up some power converters.
DV: Who's your date with?
LS: Princess Leia.
DV: Son, you can't date Princess Leia.
LS: Why not?
DV: Because she's your sister.
LS: But she's the only woman in the whole movie!
DV: Now son, that's not true. What about that nice Mon Mothma woman?
LS: She's like forty!
(DV starts to respond. Han Solo flings open the door and enters dramatically.)
HS: Hey-yay... (pulls out a comb, runs it through his hair.) It's the Hanz! (Pronounced like "Fonz".)
LS: Han, glad you're here! I have a problem!
HS: Well, it's lucky you're in sitcomland, then. (Announcer-type voice) All your problems solved in 30 minutes or it's free!
LS: Dad won't let me date Princess Leia.
HS: Hey-yay...you can't date Princess Leia. She's my steady!
LS: But she said she'd go out with me! Besides, she's the only woman in the-
HS: (Cutting him off) I tell you what. We'll double date her.
LS: Well, I suppose so.
HS: We can go in my hotrod.
LS: That piece of junk?!?
HS: Piece of junk! The Millennium Falcon has made a beer run in under twelve parsecs!
LS: Huh?
HS: Never mind. Listen. I have to go walk Chewy. I'll pick you up afterward. (He exits.)
DV: I suppose you can go, son. But you have to take 3PO along.
LS: Why? He's nothing but a complaining bag of bolts!
DV: Suppose Han's hotrod breaks down? You'll want the spare parts.
(Exeunt.)

(Scene 2: The cantina. Audience sings the cantina theme. HS, LS and Princess Leia are sitting around a table.)
HS: (Signals to a waiter) I'll have a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
LS: Oh yeah? Well, I'll have a double Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster!
HS: Make mine a double, too.
PL: I'll have a milkshake, please.
(The drinks arrive. HS drinks his suavely. LS takes a sip, winces, and drinks it cautiously.)
PL: So how are your Jedi classes coming, Luke?
(HS sees something offstage. He gets up and exits.)
LS: Mr. Yoda is such a slave driver! He made me pick up three whole rocks today!
PL: At least you don't have to take lessons in resisting torture. I swear, if I see one more imperial torture droid I'm going to scream!
(HS re-enters.)
HS: We have to go. Bob just challenged me to a drag race.
LS: Bob Fett? He's such a bully!

(Scene 3. The drag strip. HS is driving the Millennium Falcon. LS, PL and C3PO are in it.)
C3PO: I don't think this is a good idea. I have a bad feeling about this...
HS: Shut up! I can't believe Bob thinks his Slave 1 can beat the Falcon! Why, this is the ship that can get from Tattooine to Endor in less than seventeen kilometers!
C3PO: Huh?
HS: Never mind. Now! (He shifts into high gear and zooms down the track.)
C3PO: Oh dear. You're going to get us all killed!
(The Falcon screeches around a curve and heads toward the finish line. It is a nose ahead of Slave 1.)
C3PO: Have you gone mad! Look out! Not so fast! (He waves his arms around and accidentally bangs HS in the head.)
(Distracted, HS swerves and has to slow down. Slave 1 crosses the finish line first.)
HS: (Pulls over, leans out of the window.) Aah, go jump in a Sarlacc pit! (Turns to C3PO) And as for you...
C3PO: Oh dear.

(Scene 4. Cruising. HS, LS and PL are in the Falcon, which has a shiny new hood ornament-C3PO's head.)
(A Stormtrooper pulls up alongside the Falcon in a speederbike, and motions for Han to pull over.)
HS: Damn! Stormtroopers! (He stops the Falcon.)
(The Stormtrooper gets off his bike and walks over to the Falcon.)
ST: Would you please step out of the vehicle, sir?
(HS reluctantly steps out.)
ST: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
HS: This is the Millennium Falcon! It can do the Indianapolis 500 in less than 37 miles!
ST: Huh?
HS: Never mind.
ST: Would you show me your license and registration, sir?
(LS gets out of the Falcon and joins HS.)
LS: You don't need to see his license and registration.
ST: I don't need to see his license and registration. Could you blow into this, sir? (Holds something out to HS)
LS: You don't need him to blow into that.
ST: I don't need him to blow into that.
LS: In fact, you never saw us here. You've been at the station all evening, eating donuts.
ST: Mmmmm....donuts.
(HS and LS get back into the Falcon and cruise off.)
HS: Nice going, kid!

(Scene 5. Lover's lane. HS, LS and PL are in the backseat of the Falcon.)
HS: Listen, toots. You're going to have to choose one of us. Before you make your decision, remember that I own the Millennium Falcon, the ship capable of making the Kestrel run in 24 million centimeters.
PL: Alright already! You've beaten that joke to death!
LS: Choose me, Leia! I can use my Jedi mind tricks to get you good grades!
HS: Yeah, but he's your brother. And I have a better career than this twerp. How many times has HE played the President of the United States?
PL: Frankly, I'd rather kiss a Wookee than date either of you again. I'm going to go steady with Jabba.
HS and LS: The Hutt!?!
PL: Yes. He's twice the man either of you will ever be. Plus he gave me a beautiful necklace.
LS: Necklace? That was a choke chain!
PL: It's the thought that counts.
HS: Fine then. We don't need you. Luke, let's ditch this universe. I hear Uhura and Janeway are available.
(Lights down.)