Note to Elf: Read these individually, between other scripts, not all at once. It's funnier that way.

This Just In: With a slogan of "What's uuuuuuup with the government?", Jerry Seinfeld joined Pat Buchanan and Donald Trump in a bid for the Reform Party presidental candidacy. "Why does the Department of the Interior deal with the out-of-doors?" asked the candidate in his announcement speech. "And why do we have a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, instead of just calling it the Bureau of Stuff That Can Kill You?"

This Just In: Squaresoft Inc., makers of video games including Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy 2, Final Fantasy 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, Final Fantasy Tactics, Final Fantasy Legend and Final Fantasy Mystic Quest, today released their latest game, Really Final And We Mean It This Time, Honest Fantasy. Since the game sold over 5 million copies in its first day of release, the Squaresoft team is already hard at work on Really Final And We Mean It This Time, Honest Fantasy 2.

This Just In: A recent poll by "Gee, Americans Sure Are Stupid, Inc." found that 79% of Americans think that Chechnya is "a new snack food from Frito-Lay." 26% claimed to have tried Chechnya, and 92% of those found it "delicious." GASAI's parallel poll in Uruguay found that 89% of Uruguayans knew the correct answer, that Chechnya is the capital of Paris.

This Just In: The war for the "cute children's collectibles" market escalated today as the Howling Beanie Commandos launched an attack on the Wizards of the Coast headquarters, seat of the Holy Pokemon Empire. "They've taken the market share that's rightfully ours," said Terrorist Turtledove, head of the Battling Beanies squadron, "and we're gonna get it back." He then lobbed a cute, fuzzy grenade at a Picachu. The Furby Liberation Front's calls for a ceasefire have been ignored by both sides.

This Just In: A report released by a group of consulting neurobiologists has revealed that 91% of human brains are not yet Y2K compliant. The report urged immediate firmware patches, stating that "if this problem is not fixed, on midnight of December 31st, we will see people exhibiting unusual behaviors, including drinking lots of champagne, kissing random people and waking up the next morning thinking William McKinley is President."