(Note to elf: The idea behind This Just In is that you read individual paragraphs between other scripts. Don't read them all at once; that wouldn't be as funny.)

This just in: Playboy Enterprises is launching a new magazine deveted entirely to naked pictures of women who have had sex with Bill Clinton. Kenneth Starr has requested a lifetime subscription. To subscribe, call 1-800-4MONICA.

This just in: A group of top physicists announced today that Quantum Mechanics is an elaborate hoax. "We just wanted to see how much the public would believe," stated Leon Lederman. "Frankly, we can't believe that you believed the part about the parallel universes." Schroedinger was and was not available for comment.

This just in: Snoop Doggy Dogg was seen openly weeping at a recent performance of Titanic. Mr. Doggy Dogg angrily denied the charge, stating that he had "something in his eye." Sales of the rapper's albums plummetted when the charges were made public.

This just in: Mickey Mouse today announced his resignation from Disney Corporation, stating that the company was "patronising and offensive." It seems Mr. Mouse was offended by Disney's recent attempt to increase their appeal in China by marketing "Mickey Mao."

This just in: Microsoft Corporation acquired Good Times Incorporated, best known for their "Good Times" virus. Bill Gates announced that the code from Good Times was going to become the heart of Microsoft Virus, due out early next year.

This Just In: This Just In was written by Dan Harris-Warrick.