I got woken up by a telemarketer this morning, and I forgot most of my speech. You see, I can always tell a telemarketer. Maybe it's the noise in the background of all the other telemarketers making calls. Maybe it's the fact that it's an off-campus call with a voice I don't recognize. Maybe it's the fact that they always mispronounce my name.
"Hello, can I speak to Mr. Warrick?"
"Hello, is Sherinda there?"
"Hello, is Mr. Harwaskick home?"
Anyway, after the last one woke me up a few weeks ago, I figured I'd play with their minds a bit from now on. I worked up this whole speech:
"Hello, is Sheridan Harris-Warrick there?"
They always call me Sheridan, despite the fact that I never use it in real life.
Then I'd say "Sshhhh! I told you not to call me here! The cops know this number! They may have the line tapped already! If they catch you, everything's over!" I'd wait for a few seconds, while the telemarketer presumably protested that she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I'd interrupt "Listen. Leave the stuff in the normal place. I promise I'll get the money to you. And call me on my cell phone next time!" And I'd bang the phone down.
It's a great idea, but the trouble in that I forgot to allow for the fact that they always call me early in the morning, and my brain isn't awake yet. So here's what actually happened:
"Hello, is Mr. Warrick-Harris there?"
"Sshhhh! I told you not to call me here!"
And then I got stuck. I forgot what my next line was. While I was groping through my memory, she said, "Is Mr. Warrick-Harris not home at the moment?"
I finally dug something out of my skull: "Never call me at this number! Call me on my cell phone next time!" And I slammed the phone down.
Trouble is, I missed all of the important stuff. She-
Why is it always women who call, anyway? I don't think a male telemarketer has ever called me. Do they figure that college guys will be more receptive to a female voice?
Where was I? Oh yeah. She was supposed to think that I was a drug dealer or something. But without the lines about the cops and the stuff, it really doesn't make a lot of sense. I have no idea what she thought, but she didn't call back. Maybe next time I'll get it right. Or maybe I'll use this one instead:
"Hello, is Mr or Mrs Harris there?"
"Speaking."
"Hello Mr. Harris, how are you today?"
"Pretty good, now that I found a place to hide the body. Door-to-door salesman. You know how it is. Are you calling from the carpet cleaning service?"