Characters
Burt: Must do a good, strong Minnesotan accent.
Ethel: Must do an even stronger Minnesotan accent than Burt's.

Author's Note: Yes, this is the second script I've done where the characters sit in the audience. I hope it goes over better than the first one did.
Note to Elf: For this script, the whole audience gets on the stage, and the actors sit in the audience.
Note to Burt and Ethel: Do the whole script in cheesy Minnesotan accents.

(Burt and Ethel watch as the entire audience clambers onto the stage.)
Ethel: I dunno about this play, Burt. Too many characters.
Burt: Ethel, all the big magazine reviewers loved it.
Ethel: Oh, reviewers, shmeviewers. My hairdresser hated it.
Burt: Your hairdresser? You want to take theater advice from your hairdresser?
Ethel: Why couldn't we go to that other one, the one about the people who are so unhappy all the time?
Burt: You mean Les (pronounced like "less") Miserables (pronounced like "miserable")? Sold out. For months.
Ethel: Then what about that one about the royal family that could never tell the truth?
Burt: You mean the Lion King? Ethel, that's *Disney.* You want to come all the way to Broadway to see Disney? We could stay home and *rent* Disney!
Ethel: Then we could have gone to see that musical, about those homosexual men who ran a toy company...
Burt: Gays and Dolls? I saw the Frank Sinatra version. It's not so great.
Ethel: Not so great! If it had Frank Sinatra in it it must have been great. End of discussion.
Burt: Ethel, I think the play's started. I think maybe you should pipe down a bit.
Ethel: Oh, the play started ten minutes ago. They won't mind.
(Pause for a moment.)
Ethel: Burt, why didn't we go to see that play about Elvis? The one that's told from Priscilla's perspective.
Burt: What, The King and I? I don't think it's showing anymore. All the Elvis fans are off chasing UFOs or something.
Ethel: Ya, or waiting around by his grave in Memphis.
Burt: No, I think Elvis's grave is in Nashville.
Ethel: It's in Memphis.
Burt: Nashville.
Elf: You're both wrong. Elvis's grave is in Graceland. Now could you shut up? The rest of the audience (gestures at the empty seats) wants to watch the play!
Ethel: Well!
(Ethel is silent for about three seconds.)
Ethel: Burt?
Burt: Yes, Ethel?
Ethel: Burt, why didn't we go to that play where all those beds tell their life stories?
Burt: Cots, you mean? Who wants to see a play about talking beds?
Ethel: Maybe the beds have interesting things to say! Ya never know.
Burt: Come on, Ethel. Take our bed for instance. Has anything interesting *ever* happened in our bed?
(Ethel thinks for a moment...another moment...a third moment...)
Ethel: Well, then, what about the musical about all those taxi drivers?
Burt: All those taxi drivers?
Ethel: Ya, a whole line of them.
Burt: Oh, you mean Cab Array. That one's expensive, Ethel. You pay by the minute to watch it, and you start paying the moment you walk in the theater.
Ethel: Oh, I forgot. Why are all the people on stage staring at us?
Burt: Maybe because you're talking so loud they can't hear their cues?
Ethel: That can't be it. Maybe it's part of the play.
(She pauses for another couple of seconds.)
Ethel: We could have gone to that one, you know, the one where the whole play takes place inside of an elevator.
Burt: You mean The Sound of Muzak. Ethel, you get claustrophobic if you spend more than thirty seconds in an elevator! Do you think you could watch an elevator for two hours?
Ethel: But it wouldn't be a real elevator. Just a staged elevator.
Burt: Ethel, when you watched Jurassic Park, you tried to throw groceries to the dinosaurs to distract them so they wouldn't eat you.
Ethel: ....So what's your point?
Burt: You sometimes really believe what's going on on stage.
Ethel: Ya, but only when I pay attention. Why didn't we go to that one where the guy just gets onstage and shouts at the audience for two hours?
Burt: You mean Rant? Listen, Ethel, do you really want to have some guy shout at you for two hours?
Ethel: It's gotta be better than...than...what was this one called, again?
Burt: Midnight at Chelsea. Ethel, why is it you can remember the plots of a million other shows on Broadway, but you can't remember the title of the one you're watching right now?
Ethel: Um....
Burt: And why did you want to come to a show at all, if you just wanted to talk all the way through it?
Ethel: So I can tell my friends I saw it.
Burt: But you didn't see it! You haven't been paying any attention at all to the show!
Ethel: But I can still tell my friends I saw it.
Burt: And what will you tell them when they ask what it was about?
Ethel: I'll just quote the reviews.
Burt: You want to tell your friends you saw the show?
Ethel: Yes.
Burt: Then WATCH IT! (He settles down in his chair, clearly not interested in further conversation.)
(Ethel is silent for a little while.)
Ethel: Burt, why-
Burt: Shhh!
(Ethel is silent for a few more seconds.)
Ethel: Burt, why didn't we go to the one about the used dromedary dealer in Saudi Arabia?
Burt: It's called Camel Lot, and you didn't want to see it because it was too sad. Remember?
Ethel: Oh, yeah.
Burt: Now will you quiet down and watch the show?
(As the final curtain falls on the stage...lights down.)