Author's note: This is not autobiographical at all. It is not based on the authors' relationship with each other. The characters are purely fictional. Get the idea?

Characters
Bob, a psych major in love with Sue
Sue, a psych major in love with Bob
Steve, Bob's roommate
Ellen, Sue's confidante

(Scene: One side of the stage is Bob and Steve's room. There's a big poster of a Rorschach inkblot on one wall. Bob is talking on the phone. Steve is lounging in a futon playing NHL 2000 on the Playstation. The other side is Sue's room. She has a poster of a cross-section of the brain on her wall. Ellen is sitting on the floor flipping through a book.)
Sue: Yeah, I have a lot of work to do. So I may go to dinner or I may just eat at the snack bar. I don't know.
Bob: Whatever, so maybe I'll see you at dinner. (He hangs up.)
Steve: Were you talking to Sue? You didn't sound too friendly.
Bob: Yeah, I've been having second thoughts.
Steve: You two have been dating for 3 months. I think it's too late for second thoughts.
Ellen: Wow, you were pretty cold to Bob just now. Are you still feeling kinda apathetic towards him?
Sue: Yeah, my basil ganglia seem to be a little bruised recently.
Ellen: What are you talking about?
Sue: Well, when that part of your brain is damaged... Oh never mind. You know how I told you a couple of months ago, that it felt like love at first sight. Well, recently I've been taking a second look, and I'm not so sure.
Bob: Alright, twelfth or thirteenth thoughts then. It's just the little things about her that...
Steve: Yeah, like what?
Ellen: So what kinds of things about him bother you?
Bob: She always answers my questions with another question.
Sue: He prefers chunky peanut butter.
Bob: She likes smooth peanut butter.
Sue: He always wants to eat in Evans.
Bob: She actually thinks she has to see "Must See" TV.
Sue: He leaves the scrapings from underneath his toenails in my room. And he doesn't even clip his toenails in my room, he brings the scrapings in a baggie.
Bob: She thinks that flowers are the souls of children who died in infancy. Everytime we walk into Sayles on Fridays, she bursts into tears.
Sue and Bob: I just don't think things are working anymore.
Steve and Ellen: Then why don't you break up?
Sue: I broke up with my last boyfriend. It's his turn.
Ellen: But it's not the same guy.
Sue: Doesn't matter, it's still my turn to be dumped.
Bob: If I dump her when there are no obvious problems, everyone will think I'm a jerk and no one else will want to date me.
Steve: You are a jerk, but I'd still want to date you.
(Bob throws something at Steve.)
Sue: But I have a plan. I'm going to make him dump me! I'll use psychology.
Ellen: But he's a psych major too, isn't he?
Sue: Yeah, but he hasn't had social, he'll never know what hit him.
Steve: So what are you going to about it?
Bob: I think I'm going to use psychology. I'll make her think she wants to dump me.
Steve: How are you going to do that? With subliminal messages?
Bob: Dude, subliminal messages don't work. You learn that in Intro.
Steve: Then what are you going to do?
Bob: Well, if I act romantic towards her, but just get it a little wrong. She'll just get so frustrated with me, that she'll break it off.
Ellen: So what psychology are you going to use?
Sue: Self-perception theory. I'm going to arrange for him to have fun alone all weekend while I'm working on my comps. I'll make sure he realizes how much he's enjoying himself. Then he'll decide that he doesn't really need me, and he'll break it off.

Scene 2: Bob is seated in Great Space. Sue comes up and joins him.
Sue: I'm sorry I'm late, you know that my logic prof can't shut up.
Bob: That's ok. I know you've been stressed recently, so I got you a box of chocolates. Here.
Sue: Oh, thanks. Do you want one? (She opens the box and makes a face.) Where are the rest of them?
Bob: (looking shame-faced) Well, my roommate and I were hungry last night.
Sue: Bob!
Bob: I'm sorry. Maybe I can make it up to you this weekend?
Sue: Actually, I'm going to have to work on my comps. I know you're done since you did short comps, but I still have more work to do. The price of doing long comps. But there's this party tonight at Benton House. I think you'd really enjoy it. They are going to do the Time Warp. You should go.
Bob: But you won't be there?
Sue: You know how it is, stuck in the libe all evening.
Bob: Well, I guess I do have to let you do your comps. Ok, the party does sound like fun. You know I like to jump to the left. And then step to the riiiiight.

Scene 3: Sue's room, Sunday evening. Sue is immersed in a Neuropsych reading. Bob knocks.
Sue: Come in!
(Bob comes in. He's holding something behind his back.)
Sue: Hi, Bob! (She doesn't get up.) What do you have there?
Bob: I slew a dragon for you. Here's its head. (He brings out a plastic head ripped off of a toy dragon and presents it to her.)
Sue: (Takes the head warily) That's very...um...chivalrous of you, Bob. (Awkward pause) So how did you like the party?
Bob: It was great! We even made edible aliens!
Sue: So you had fun then, huh?
Bob: Well, yeah. It would have been better with you, though.
Sue: Yeah...I guess so. But you did have a lot of fun, right? And you got to hang out, and mingle, and talk to all sorts of different people...
Bob: I did do that. I danced with a lot of different people.
Sue: Well, that's great. I'm glad you can enjoy yourself without me.
(Flash forward a week. Back to the two rooms on opposite sides of the stage. Bob and Steve are talking on one side, Sue and Ellen on the other.)
Bob: It's not working. I've recited a love poem to her in the middle of Saga, I gave her a CD of overly syrupy love songs, and I even burned a candlelit dinner for her. Now she thinks I'm really sweet but kind of incompetent.
Sue: He's having fun without me, but he keeps telling me it'd be more fun with me. So I gave up on that strategy and tried something a little more subconscious. I removed all of the phalic symbols from his room to make him feel like less of a man. But that didn't work either! He just came over and borrowed all of my pens!
Bob: Then I tried watching a romantic movie with her. And just before and just after the movie I acted like kind of a jerk, really unlike how Tom Hanks was with Meg Ryan. But it didn't seem to faze her.
Ellen: So are you just going to break down and break up with him?
Sue: No! I will not give in! I'm going to try to convince him that he's a much better significant other than I am, that he's much nicer to me than I am to him. Maybe he'll realize that he deserves better.
Steve: This sounds like too much trouble. Why don't you just dump her?
Bob: This time I've got a foolproof plan. She just took abnormal psychology. I'm going to act like I have a few of the early symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. She'll figure I'll be a fullblown nutcase before long, and she'll break up with me so she doesn't have to deal with that.
Steve: Dude, are all you psych majors this screwed up?
Bob: I only wish the other psych majors would do crazy things like this. They'd be a lot more fun to hang out with.

Scene 4: Bob's room. Bob is at his desk. Sue comes in and flops down on the futon.
Bob: Hi, Sue. You're looking beautiful today.
Sue: Oh, Bob, you're always saying nice things about me.
Bob: Well, they're true.
Sue: But still, you give me so many more compliments than I ever give you.
Bob: No, I'm sure that's not true.
Sue: It is true. Yesterday, for instance, you said six nice things about me and I only said two nice things about you.
Bob: You're keeping count?
Sue: I was just curious.
Bob: Uh huh. You're writing down everything I say, aren't you? Admit it, you're spying on me!
Sue: I was just curious.
Bob: Does this have anything to do with that CIA investigation of me that just started recently?
Sue: What are you talking about, Bob?
Bob: This guy on the TV told me about it last night. He said, "Bob, they are investigating you. Trust no one."
Sue: Bob, you've been watching too much X-files.
Bob: No it's true. They planted this radio transmitter in my alarm clock while I was at class this morning...
Sue: (interrupting) Wait a minute. You are trying to fake schizophrenia, aren't you?
Bob: Who told you that? Did they tell you that?
Sue: Bob, come on, give me some credit. I know how long it takes schizophrenia to develop. You have not been showing enough of the early signs for this to be real. What's the deal?
Bob: Well, I was, um, just, um... Wait a minute. That thing with the compliments. Were you trying to induce cognitive dissonance in me with that compliment counting?
Sue: Um, not exactly. I mean, what I was really trying to do... I guess so.
Bob: Why?
Sue: Well, why were you trying to convince me you were schizophrenic?
(Awkward pause.)
Bob and Sue: (speaking together and quickly) I was trying to get you to break up with me.
Bob and Sue: (together again) You too?
Sue: Well, I just felt like things weren't quite right anymore.
Bob: I never knew you could be this sneaky.
Sue: Well, I am a psych major.
Bob: Yeah, but most of them don't actually use the stuff. I thought I was the only one who did that.
Sue: No, I love doing it.
Bob: Hey, I've got a great idea. Since we both love playing with people's minds, we could screw with everyone's heads by telling them that we'd broken up but really keep dating. That is, if you want to keep dating me?
Sue: Are you kidding? I never met anyone else who loves to play with heads like I do. Of course I want to stay together. Let's do it!

Scene 5: (Back to the split stage with the characters in their normal places.)
Steve: So she finally broke up with you, huh?
Bob: Yeah, that schizophrenia thing really worked.
Ellen: I can't believe the compliment thing worked.
Sue: Well, it did. Bob broke up with me.
Ellen: Well, you're better off without him anyway.
Sue: Yeah.
(Bob and Sue wink at each other.)

LIghts down.