(Note to Elf: Yes, you do have to read the full character descriptions when handing out the parts. That's the whole point. And yes, you do have to actually hand out the parts, not just read the descriptions.)

Characters
J J Cool Binks, the computer-generated rap star, whose multiplatinum albums include the hit song "Meesa so horny" (sample lyric: "Meesa so horny/Meesa so horny/Meesa so horny/Meesa wuv you long time"), and who recently pissed of Suge Knight, causing the rap producer to threaten to "rip out his computer-generated tongue and use it as a fucking hood ornament", and try to carry out that threat by sending a monster after JJ which forced JJ to go into hiding in the house the Toy Story gang lives in, where he's currently having an affar with the shepherdess toy behind Woody's back, little knowing that Mr. Potato Head has left one of his eyes behind the toy chest where they carry on their illicit assignations so that he can get off watching them, because hey, when your wife's a potato you need all the diversions you can get, but he's now planning on threatening to tell Woody about the two of them unless JJ hooks him up with some high-quality dope, which he can probably manage since he's rich from those multiplatinum albums. Small part.

"Renal" Jack, the guy who's famous for having picked up a woman at a bar in Las Vegas and woken up the next morning in a bathtub full of ice with a message on the mirror in lipstick telling him to call 911, and when he did, he found out that his kidneys had been stolen and who, after a transplant and a long time in the hospital, is now touring the country giving speeches warning people about the dagers of picking up strange women at bars in Las Vegas, little knowing that in fact, not only were his kidneys stolen but so were two thirds of his brain, which were put by Suge Knight into a horrific monster designed to hunt down and destroy J J Cool Binks, but he doesn't need those two thirds of his brain to give inspirational speeches anyway, and who, on his next speech tour, will pick up a woman at a bar in Omaha, Nebraska and wake up the next morning with 7 feet of his small intestine and one of his testicles missing, because some guys just have the worst luck, but at least it'll give him more material for his future speeches, right? Small part.

Hampsterdanceman, who was just an ordinary college student until he was bitten by a radioactive hampster, giving him the power to instantly make hundreds of copies of himself if he sings a certain song, and who now fights for Truth, Justice and Really Pointless Web Pages in his furry spandex outfit, and who is soon to have an epic battle lasting for at least 3 episodes with a horrific monster sent by Suge Knight that, for some odd reason, has two thirds of "Renal" Jack's brain, not that Hampsterdanceman has ever heard of "Renal" Jack, but he'll start to wonder what the deal with the horrific monster is when the monster cuts off the fight halfway through to try to find a bar to pick up some women, but since the only women who would be attracted to such a horrific monster are already dating Donald Trump, it'll get frustrated and attack Hampsterdanceman, leading to another huge fight scene that we probably don't have the special effects budget to do at Chelsea. Small part.

Bob, an accountant, whose life is so mind-bogglingly dull that he actually looks forward to watching CSPAN every evening when he gets home from work, and who would probably pass out with joy if he ever discovered the Weather Channel, but whose life is about to be turned upside down when a horrific monster comes crashing through his window, followed by about a hundred copies of some weird dancing guy in a fuzzy spandex outfit, all dancing the same stupid dance and singing the same stupid song, and they tussle in Bob's living room for a little while, smashing his collection of "The best of the Home Shopping Network" tapes and scratching one of his bowling trophies, and who will talk about nothing but this event for the rest of his life, at home, at work, to the supermarket checkout ladies, to random panhandlers on the street, and to everyone else under the sun until someone gets fed up with it and stabs him fatally with his own collection of fountain pens that he always keeps next to the calculator in his pocket, in case there's some on-the- spot accounting that needs to be done. Small part.

Cruella, a freelance body snatcher, whose job is to seduce men at sleazy bars, drug them and steal various body parts of theirs so that she can make horrific monsters out of them, but who feels kind of bad about it, so she always leaves a message telling them to call 911 so that they'll be able to figure out what happened and not die, whose projects are always in demand by various national governments (the Canadian government has always been a steady customer--she's worried that they're building up an army to take over Minnesota), spy agencies and other comparably shady organizations, who occasionally works with other companies in order to create beings that are a little different from her standard horrific fare, like the time she teamed up with US Robotics to make Al Gore, but she really prefers to make horrific monsters like her most recent project for rap producer Suge Knight, which she's a little worried about because she may not have been able to remove the womanizing tendencies from the brain that she put into the creature. Small part.

Emily, a mid-level manager at a Los Angeles consulting firm, who dreams of someday becoming a screenwriter, so everyday when she gets home from work she writes descriptions of the significant evens of the day in full screenplay format in the hopes that someday a Hollywood producer will want a "slice of life" screenplay about what it's like to be a mid-lever manager at a Los Angeles consulting firm, but of course that's about as likely as a Hollywood producer wanting an intelligent, well-written screenplay about three- dimensional characters who never shoot each other or get eaten by monsters or get cancer or anything, but nobody has told Emily that, so she's persisting, and she will eventually come close to acheiving her dream after she gets offered the chance to write the screenplay of the made-for-TV movie about the time she stabbed an accountant to death with his own fountain pens because he insisted on telling her some dumb story about a fight in his living room OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN and afterwards the jury acquitted her but it took a lot of deliberation and a smart lawyer and that's what she'll write the screenplay about but the TV company will eventually turn it down because they want more violence with fountain pens and less jury deliberation, so they'll have Akiva Goldstein write it instead and he'll turn her into a mass murderer known to the FBI as "The Writer." Small part.

Author's Note: There's no actual script here. Just a bunch of character descriptions. Hey, it's No Shame Night, right?