[A quick explanation for non-Carleton people: Carleton has what are called "Theme houses," which are college-owned houses set aside for people who share a common interest. Past theme houses have included the International Cooking House, the Sci-Fi House and Farm House. This is an authentic application.]

Author's note: This script is not suitable. This script is very, very not suitable. I advise timid people to leave now.

Name of the Group: Orgy Awareness House

1. State your group's goals and objectives for the next academic year. (For example: A proposed "Music House" might have as one of its goals: Professional Enhancement: Opportunities to Participate in Planned Performances)
The primary goal of the Orgy Awareness House is to increase public acceptance of the orgy as an alternative expression of sexuality. Other goals are:
1) Encourage safe sexual practices within an orgy environment.
2) Encourage students to be comfortable with their own bodies as well as with the bodies of others.
3) Get a lot of nookie.

2. Why is a residential component necessary to achieve your group's purpose?
The Orgy Awarness House would encourage behavior that is, alas, not considered appropriate in the residence halls. In order to be able to plan and carry out orgies, we need a space that we have consistently. Using a different space every week would not be a useful solution; many people might feel uncomfortable having an orgy in a new and unfamilliar environment who would be comfortable coming back to the Orgy Awareness house again. Furthermore, having a group of orgy-oriented people living together would allow for the possibility of spontaneous mini-orgies, which would not be as likely if people were distributed across campus.

3. Describe the steps you will take to implement the above-stated goals. (Example, based upon the above goal: Each member will present one half-hour public recital per year as a solo performer and one half-hour public recital per year as part of an ensemble.)
Once a week, the Orgy Awareness House would have an orgy. These orgies would be publicized, and all members of the Carleton community who are above the legal age of consent would be encouraged to attend.
The first orgy of each term would be a "beginner's orgy." This orgy would be better-publicized than the rest, especially to those outside the orgy community. It would have volunteers whose job was to help the beginners feel comfortable with various orgiastic practices.
The other orgies would be organized along various themes, such as Bachanallian orgy, 70s disco orgy, or Toy Night.
All of the House orgies would have an ample supply of condoms available, paid for by a house fund, and people who refused to use them would be ejected from the orgy and not invited to attend again.
The Orgy Awareness house would sponsor other events as well. Outreach programs would help to inform the (over 18) public about orgies. Panel discussions would clarify important philosophical orgy-related questions, such as: How many people do there have to be before it's, technically, an orgy?

4. How will you evaluate your success in achieving these goals?
Success would be monitored partially by attendance: if we are, in fact, increasing acceptance of the orgy, attendance at our weekly orgies should go up as the year progresses. We would also take an opinion poll at the start of the year (sample question: Do you think orgies are: a) fun for me b) fun for other people c) sick and wrong d) the surest way to hell), and another at the end of the year. If attitudes improved, we would feel like our goals had been achieved.

5. Are there ways is which the campus/community-at-large will benefit from your residential experience? Please describe, if not included in response to question #1.
We feel that all of our goals (well, maybe not the last one) will benefit the entire Carleton community, not merely the people who live in the house. For example, people being more comfortable with their bodies could help people stop obsessing with trivial details of their appearance, and instead obsess over what they're going to wear to the next orgy. This is a positive step.

6. Who will be your group's advisor? Please explain the role of your advisor. How will the advisor interact with your group?
Uh...um...let's skip this one for now.

7. How will the members of your residential learning community be selected and by whom?
Members would be selected by orgy-oriented seniors, who have no personal interest in the house (since they can't live there). The primary method of selection would be an audition to test the prospective member's...uh...abilities and capacities. The people running the audition would be expressly instructed to avoid paying attention to size, as it is the philosophy of the orgy awareness house that size is less important that capability. (For men and women, of course.)

8. How will a member's participation in your residential learning community be evaluated?
Ahem. Attendance will be the primary gauge. Members will be expected to attend most of the orgies, and to plan one every term. Members are expected to participate when they attend, of course; watching but not participating would be discouraged.

9. Describe the process your group will use to resolve individual member participation issues raised through the evaluation. This process should include a provision for the removal of a non-participating member.
As we described above, any member who refuses to use condoms will be immediately ejected from the house. Aside from that, house meetings (during house dinner, which will be once a week on a day selected by members of the house) will provide a chance to discuss participation or lack thereof by various members. Removal of members would be a decision only of the very last resort, and would have to be agreed upon by all members other than the offending one. The last thing we want is to diminish attendance at our orgies.

10. Describe your group's minimum space requirements. Why is this space needed to acheive your goals? Please explain. Consider such factors as: number of bed spaces needed, size and type of social/lounge/study space needed, kitchen, and/or proximity to other campus facilities. Do you prefer a separate facility or can you share with others?
Oof. That's a lot of questions at once. In order: The minimum space we need is one big lounge (two would be better), enough bedrooms to house all of our members (more on that later), and a kitchen. The bedrooms in our facility will not actually be used for sleeping; all members of the house will sleep together in a lounge. The bedrooms will be used for studying and other needed quiet time. The reason that two lounges would be preferable to one is that we could use one lounge for public orgies and another for sleeping space for house members. We could combine those functions into one room, but it might be awkward. We need the kitchen because people get really hungry after an orgy, and we want to be able to provide food (suitably themed, of course) for the event. A grape peeler in the kitchen is essential. We need a separate facility; sharing with another group might cause...let's say, unwelcome overlaps.

Final comments: We do not feel that we have used the word "orgy" enough in this application, so...orgy orgy orgy orgy orgy.

Author's postscript: This is a valid house application. (Well, except that it needs a faculty advisor.) I can't do it myself, since I'm going to be on the Sci-Fi house list, but if 5 men and 5 women who aren't seniors want to sign up, you can hand this in to Res Life. It's due by March 4th.