Characters:
Bob, a forthright, witty, semiliterate son of factory workers whose love of champagne is exceeded only by his love for his hobby, aardvark collecting. Large part.
Carol, a beautiful young woman hiding the dark secret that she once, in the dead of night, broke into her boss's office and stole his entire supply of cookies, thus causing him to faint from lack of sugar at the big meeting the next day, losing her company a top client and sending their stock price into a downward spiral that forced them to lay off dozens of workers, fortunately not including her. Large part.

This script is dedicated to that guy in the third row. No, not that guy, the other guy. Right. That one.

Author's Note: Your ad here! Call 5184 for rates.
Author's Note: I came up with the idea for this script in Russia, when I tried to explain to Ira (pronounced Eera) (who's now the Russian Language Assistant here at Carleton) what some American euphemisms mean. One of them was "open a can of whup ass;" a couple more are in this script.

(Note to actors: You are both a little tipsy, but NOT drunk. Please don't overdo it.)
(Another note to actors: Please make those stupid quotation mark gestures with your fingers every time something in the script is in quotes. It's important to the punchline.)
(Ya know, I just filled about half a page without any of the actual script. Wow. Makes you think, doesn't it?)

(The scene is a largeish party. Bob is in a quiet corner, drinking the cheap stuff the host is passing off as champagne. He looks over to see Carol walking towards him.)
Carol: Hey, Bob. I was worried there wasn't anyone I knew here.
Bob: Yeah, big party, huh? Luckily, that means they have lots of champagne. (Takes a big gulp.)
C: Don't drink too much. You don't want to get "wasted."
B: "Wasted?" I'm already "three sheets to the wind." Before the night is through, I'm gonna be "smashed."
C: Are you sure you want to be "plastered" with so many important people around? What if you have to "toss your cookies" in front of all these "suits?"
B: Don't worry. By the time I drink enough that I have to "technicolor yawn," they'll be so "loaded" they won't remember a thing.
C: You're probably right. Have you seen some of these guys? They're "a few cards short of a full deck."
B: There's this one bald guy who's definitely "a few wrenches short of a toolkit."
C: Or that woman with the mauve purse? She's "a few sandwiches short of a picnic."
B: And to think that they're the important people in this town. Just a bunch of people who are "a few ground-up rats short of a hot dog."
(There is a pause. Bob gulps down the rest of his glass of champagne.)

B: (Looks at Carol) Say, want to go find a private room and "do the wild thing?"
C: (Looks at him interestedly) You mean, "do the horizontal mambo?"
B: Right, or "make the beast with two backs."
C: We could just "get it on."
B: I'm in the mood for a good "aardvarking."
C: Well, okay, but first you have to "go down on me."
B: You want me to "go muff diving?"
C: If you want to "earn an X-rating" with me, you have to "dine out on me" first.
B: Well, if you're going to be like that, maybe I'll just go home and "spank the monkey."
C: (Acts hurt) You'd rather "beat your meat" than "shag" with me?
B: I've always been partial to "browsing the Proust."
C: Fine. If you're going to be like that, maybe I'll go and "do it" with Fred.
B: That wouldn't work so well. Fred "goes up the down staircase."
C: You mean he "putts from the rough?"
B: Right, he's "buttered side down." Not that there's anything wrong with that.
C: Well, in that case, maybe I'll go home too, and "split the kitten."
B: Fine. I'll go home and "get my rocks off" while you "push the pudding."

(There is another pause.)
B: Hey, look, why don't we just go off and "have wild passionate sex?"
C: Huh? (Looks at him without speaking for a few seconds.) Is that supposed to mean something?
B: I just meant, you know, we should go have wild...passionate...sex. (Note to actor: Note the lack of quotes this time.)
C: (Thinks for a moment.) Ooooh. You mean we should go "play hide the salami."
B: Right.
C: Well, why didn't you just say so?
(Lights down.)