This script is dedicated to Strom Thurmond.

Author's note: I wrote this on the plane coming back from Moscow at the end of spring term. I was really depressed at the time. I hope this is funny anyway.

Author's note 2: Ya know, nobody ever listens to those announcements that the stewardesses make at the start of plane trips. The stewardesses know it, too, so they can say whatever they want. So on my flight home from Russia, I actually listened. Here's what they were saying.

(Note to reader: use a bland/friendly stewardess voice for this whole thing, regardless of what you're saying. It's important to the humor.)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Northwest Airlines flight six sixty- six, people service to Detroit, luggage service to Tijuiana. We are currently frantically repairing the damage the Mafia did to the engines after we didn't pay the protection money, so we should be in the air shortly. I'd like to direct your attention to the card containing important safety information in the seat pocket in front of you, but who am I kidding? You're not going to put down that John Grisham novel you picked up in the airport bookstore for anything as unexciting as how to save your ass in an emergency. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, you can breathe through one of the masks that drop automatically from the ceiling, but it won't help. In the case of an emergency water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device if you remember, as you're frantically struggling to get out of a sinking plane, to take a seat cushion. This is a non-smoking flight. Smoking in the aisles and lavatories is prohibited. Tampering with the smoke detectors in the lavatories is a federal offense, but when you do it, please remove all four screws before taking off the case. It's cheaper to repair that way. There will be a meal served on board: first class passengers will receive mesquite-smoked peppered beef tenderloin, and the rest of you schmucks will receive whatever we scraped off the grill after we finished cooking for the first class passengers. The in-flight movie tonight will be Plan Nine from Outer Space, and the wonderful radio selections include the All-Eighties channel, the Spice Girls channel, and our classical music selection, the Boston Pops' Tribute to Gangsta Rap. There will be a small charge of seven hundred dollars to rent a headset. When we get in the air, our beverage service will begin, completely blocking your access to the bathrooms for several hours. We are now taxiing for takeoff; if you have a personal video system built into your seat, please turn it off at this time. Of course, if you have a personal video system built into your seat, you will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. We ask that passengers who are going to have lurid fantasies about the stewardesses wait until they have gotten off the plane before doing so. Thank you for choosing Northwest Airlines, and have a nice flight.