Characters:
Major--a Carleton senior. Large part.
Extra--exactly what it sounds like. Large part.
Author--medium part, but important.

Author's Note: The last couple of scripts that we've written (such as the floozies one last week) have been...say...overtly sexual. So for a change, here's a script with no sexual innuendoes. If you see any sexual material in this one, you need to wash your brain out with soap!

(Major is standing on stage, looking nervous. Enter Author.)
Author: All you seniors out there are probably getting a little nervous right about now, huh? In less than a year, Carleton's going to kick you out and you'll have to get a real job! When you picked your major you weren't thinking about what you were going to do with it, but now you have to find something. (Grins evilly) So here's what you can do with whatever miserable major you ended up with. If you majored in, say, History...(Author exits)

(Extra is lying on the stage. Major is standing over him.)
Author (from offstage): Anesthesiologist, give him 50 kilograms of Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, stat!
(Major pulls out a hefty tome and hits Extra over the head with it.)
(Exit Major)

Author (comes back on, stands to one side): Or let's say you majored in Philosophy...
(Extra is tied to a chair.)
Author: I tried to be nice. I tried to convince you all civil-like. Now I'm gonna sic Guido on ya.
Extra: So it's to be torture? I can withstand torture.
Author: Guido!
(Enter Major.)
Major: So, is yez gonna talk or does I gots to explain the Mind-Body problem?
Extra: I'm not afraid.
Major (in a Mobsterlike voice): Some philosophers maintain that 'P1 is P2' is something that can be true, when the 'is' involved is the 'is of empirical reduction, only when the properties P1 and P2 are a) associated with a spatio-temporal region; and b) the region is one and the same in both cases.
Extra: Enough! Please! I'll talk!

Author: Or what if you majored in art?
Major: Then I could be the fastest draw in the West. (Twirls an imaginary paintbrush)

Author: Let's say you got a little wacky and did a double major in Political Science and Dance?
(Major and Extra are standing on stage)
Extra: Sir! How do you respond to allegations that your dog has been accepting bribes from politicians in Siberia?
(Major starts dancing--pick a style, I don't care, just dance.)
Extra: Sir, I think you're just dancing around the issues.

Author: What about religion?
Major: What could I do if I majored in religion?
Extra: Who do you think comes up with those T-shirts with phrases like: "Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah"?

Author: If you majored in languages...
(Extra is seated. Major is standing and addresses him)
Major: Now, how do you sound like a Frenchman?
Extra:(With a French accent, except for the "the") Mademoiselle...you are the most beautiful...
Major: No, no, no! It's "ze!" Not "the," "ze!" Now do German.
Extra: (German accent) Ve haff vays uff making you talk!
Major: Very good! Or should I say, Zehr Gooot!

Author: Or maybe math...
Extra: Quick! Texas Instruments needs a name for their new graphing calculator that has Mathematica 3.0 built into it and makes cappuccino!
Major: Hmmm...How about TI-3892 CFE?

Author: Did you major in Media Studies?
(Major sits alone on stage. He picks up a phone and answers in an extremely bored voice)
Major: Blockbuster, how can I help you....

Author: Or perhaps Physics...
(Extra is center stage, looking extremely nervous.)
Major: Now, are you ready for your bungee jump? Remember, it's perfectly safe. You'll be plummeting toward the ground at 9800 millimeters per second squared, but the canyon is only 300 meters deep so you will not reach terminal velocity. Unless, of course, the cord breaks mid-jump. In that case, you would hit the ground with a force of 3.7 million newtons.
Extra: Is it too late to take up ballroom dancing?

Author: Let's say you specialized in Quantum Mechanics. (grimaces)
Extra: All that stands between us and 10 million dollars is this thick wall.
Major: well, all we have to do is extend our wave functions beyond the wall and then have the appropriate measurement take place on the other side, which will collapse our wave functions there and let us take the money.
Extra: But will we be able to reverse the process?

Author: Or what about Latin American studies...
Extra: Quid pro quo! E pluribus unum! Kyrie elison! Dona eies requiem!
Major: No, we don't speak Latin in Latin America.

Author: Lots of people major in Psychology.
Extra: Hey, Earl! The FDA inspector is on his way! Have you finished the conditioning?
Major. Yes, watch! (whistles a tune)
Extra: Wow! The cockroaches all went and hid in the wall when you whistled!
Major: And they won't come out until I wave a slice of pizza in front of the hole.

Author: Education Studies catch your fancy?
(Major is shaking Extra roughly)
Major: Try to get in with a fake ID, willya? I'll teach YOU a lesson.

Author: Geology is another popular one...
(Major is helping an extra--who is clearly extremely old--hobble along.)
Extra (in an old voice) But what does this have to do with geology?
Major: Shut up, you old fossil.

Author: Chose one you never knew existed before coming here, like Environmental and Technology Studies?
(Major is behind a cash register. Extra comes down the line with groceries.)
Major: Paper or plastic?
Extra: Paper.
Major: That's terrible for the environment, you know. They have to chop down all of those trees to make the bags.
Extra: Allright then, plastic.
Major: Fossil fuels. Limited resources. Nonbiodegradable. Pollution.
Extra: Ok. I'll just carry them to my 1960 Cadillac. (Starts to walk off)
Major: You mean the car that gets 5 miles per gallon going downhill with the wind behind it and the engine off?

Author: And, of course, there's always English.
(Major sits next to Extra on stage)
Extra: What can we call people who spend their evenings on First Burton?
Major: Ethanolly enhanced? Chemically gifted?
Extra: What about Society for Creative Anachronists?
Major: Chronologically challenged? Temporally misplaced?
Extra: What about people who spend their Friday nights packed into a little theater in the basement of a dorm?
Major: Brilliant.
(Lights down.)