Characters:
Professor Jones: Not just a mild-mannered linguistics professor. Large part.
The Saga Checker Lady: You know who we mean. Largish part.
Fred the Scary Saga Worker: He's evil, I tell you, EVIL! Medium part.
Loyal Sidekick 1/Crony: What more do we need to say: Smallish part.
Loyal Sidekick 2/Random student: Um.... Smallish part.
Loyal Sidekick 3: Just one more loyal sidekick. Small part.

Quote: "I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them five years." (Samuel Goldwyn)

(The scene is Professor Jones's linguistics class. The first row is the students.)
MJ: So you see, colorless green ideas sleep furiously really is a gramatically correct sentence, but...
(Loyal Sidekick 1 races in.)
LS1: Professor Jones, Professor Jones, there's something you should see! (He ushers Jones over to a terminal.) While we were getting ready to take this Notes conference off-line, we stumbled across an ancient fragment of a post from many years ago. We think it may contain clues that could lead to the discovery of the Mystic Saga Tray.
MJ: You mean Snoop Number One? I don't think it exists.
LS1: How can you not believe in a tray that has the power to make whatever food is placed on it taste good?
MJ: That's a violation of the laws of nature.
LS1: And Saga food isn't?
MJ: Okay, let me take a look at this. (Reads) The tray of taste hangeth...above the moving floor...and none can reach it...beware the rotund guardians of this foul realm. I'm off!
LS1: But if you leave, there'll be no one to teach linguistics!
MJ: (Turns to his students) Okay, try to find a way to use "buffalo" in a modal tense. (Turns to LS1) That'll keep them busy.
(Exeunt.)
Elf: (While the audience sings the theme and does "the wave" to imitate the map motion) Jones takes the co-op bus to the Cities, where he catches a flight to Bejing, connects to a flight to Paris, and then takes a Carleton Flying Club flight to Burton.

(Scene 2. The entrance to Burton. The Checker Lady is checking cards. Enter MJ. CL looks suspiciously up at him.)
CL: Where's your ID, young man?
MJ: Oh, look! There's a kid trying to sneak in! (He points. As she looks, he sneaks in.)
CL: Wait just a minute! (She chases after him. They stop on the other side of the stage.) So what's your name, young man?
MJ: Professor Jones, but you can call me Mindy.
CL: Shouldn't that be "Indy?"
MJ: No, that's Indiana Jones, the archaeology professor. I'm Minnesota Jones. I teach linguistics.
CL: You're Mindy. I'm Mork. We were destined for each other. (Fawns all over him.)
MJ: Why don't you go back to checking cards? I'm on a very important mission from the Big One.
CL: You mean God?
MJ: No, Skeetch.
(Loyal Sidekick 2 rushes in.)
LS2: Mindy, Mindy! You must start looking for the tray! There isn't a moment to lose! The Marriotzis (pronounced like Nazis) are also looking for it, to destroy it forever!
MJ: We have to hurry! Wait a minute...you're not the sidekick I had in the last scene!
LS2: Think about it, Mindy! You never keep your sidekicks for very long!
MJ: Oh. You're right. Anyway, we have to find that tray!
LS2: Where are we going to look, Mindy?
MJ: We can start by checking under the milk dispensers; they never change those trays. (He starts checking.)
(Loyal Sidekick 3 runs in.)
LS3: Mindy, Mindy! (Turns to LS2) Get out of here! It's my turn now.
LS2: No it's not!
(They fight. While they are fighting, Fred comes in and kidnaps CL, pulling her offstage. LS3 eventually wins. Exit LS2.)
LS3: Mindy, Mindy, look! He kidnapped your floozy of the week!
MJ: He? Who?
LS3: (in a dramatic voice) Fred!
MJ: (in an incredulous voice) Fred?
LS3: The evil leader of the Marriotzis!
MJ: My archenemy's named Fred? You know, if you spell "Fred" backwards, you get...(in a dramatic voice) Derf!
LS3: So?
MJ: I just...uh...thought I'd point it out. Never mind, we must save Mork!
(They rush dramatically offstage.)

(Scene 3: The bowels of Saga. Fred walks on, hauling CL.)
Fred: Muahahahaha!
CL: (Looks incredulously at Fred) Muahahaha?
Fred: Archvillians always muahahahaha.
Crony: (in an Igor voice) Wheere should we tie her, boss?
Fred: Throw her into the vat of spaghetti.
CL: (screams) No! Not the crunchy spaghetti!
Fred: Don't worry. It's not crunchy this time...it's *soggy!* (He Muahahahas)
(C throws CL into the vat)
(MJ rushes in.)
MJ: I'll save you, Mork! (Looks into the vat) Spaghetti. I HATE spaghetti. (He pushes over the vat. Sludge and CL pour out.)
C: Eeew...What IS this stuff?
Fred: I don't know, but I have it all over my shoes!
CL: This strange feeling is coming over me!
MJ: Me too! I feel like I have to...to...sing!

(To the tune of "Singing in the rain")
(All characters should feel free to tap dance.)

MJ:
I'm dancing in tainted shoes
Just dancing in tainted shoes
What a glorious feeling
I've rescued my flooz
CL:
I'm out of that vat
Mindy gave it a shove
Now I've been freed
And I'm ready for love
(She fawns over Mindy)
Fred:
They can't persevere
On our side is still fear
Of that wretched old place
Where there's not even beer
C:
I've paid all my dues
I'm off to drink booze
'Cause I'm dancing
Just dancing in tainted shoes
(Exit C.)

Fred: You may have saved your precious Mork, but we still have the Tray!
(The audience goes "Dun dun dunnnnn" ominously)
(MJ tackles Fred and throws him on the dishes conveyer belt. Fred pulls MJ down onto the conveyer belt. They wrestle, all the while inching closer to the Jaws of Death.)
(While they're wrestling...)
MJ: Where's the tray?
Fred: I won't tell you!
MJ: I want the truth!
Fred: You can't handle the truth!
MJ: The prophesy said...The tray of taste hangs above the moving floor....the moving floor! (He looks up from the conveyer belt. The tray is hanging just over the entrance to the dishroom. The audience makes "angelic voices" noises.)
(MJ beats Fred, who is carried off into the dishroom. MJ hops off the conveyer belt and snags the tray with his whip.)
CL: You did it! (Fawns over MJ)
(MJ sets tray down on a table next to him and embraces CL. While they're embracing...)
(LS2, as a random student, moseys through, picks up the tray and puts it on the conveyer belt before exiting.)
MJ: Nooooo! (He dives for it, but is too late. The tray vanishes into the depths of the dishroom.) It's gone....forever...
CL: No! Not forever! There's still a chance that it will surface again, and as long as there's that chance, there's still hope for the tens of thousands...well, tens of hundreds of students on board!
(Lights down.)