Characters
Handsome Prince
Beautiful Princess
Evil Witch
Talking Frog
Carl, a Carleton student (really has to be male) (large part)
Carla, another Carleton student (really has to be female) (large part)

Author's Note: Whatever you may think of this script, at least we didn't mention Bettleheim.

(Note to Elf: read the narrator part too.)

Narrator: Once Upon A Time, well, okay, it was last week, an odd assortment of beings woke up from a long, deep sleep in a large field in a well-maintained arboretum next to a small midwestern town.
(Everyone but Carl and Carla is stretched out on the stage, asleep. They wake, stretch, scratch themselves and so on.)
EW: (Cackles) Now, my pretties, while you're still disoriented, I have a chance to gather ingredients for my evil spell! (She hobbles off.)
HP: (Turns to BP) Oh, my dearest, are you all right?
BP: Oh, yes, now that I can gaze into your eyes again, everything is all right.
HP: (Leans closer to her, but they DON'T touch) And now that we're free of that magical sleep, I can take you back to my majestic castle and we can live happily ever after!
(They lean yet closer together....)
Elf: Nuh uh, you two, it isn't the end of the story yet.
(They jerk apart. BP looks a little pouty.)
HP: Ahem. Well, yes. Then let us go, my sweet. (He offers BP his arm, which she takes, and they walk offstage together.)
TF: Well, now that the lovebirds are gone, I'm gonna find me a lake. There's gotta be one somewhere around here. (He hops off.)
Narrator: The Prince and Princess climbed a great hill, with numerous oaks, and looked down upon...
HP: What is that foul beast I see off in the distance? That mighty neck, that fearsome head! It's...a metal dragon!
BP: (Swoons into HP's arms)
HP: Never fear, my darling one, I will protect you from the foul beast. Let us hurry to our castle. (They run offstage.)
Narrator: Meanwhile, the Evil Witch was still seeking ingredients for her spells.
(EW enters, looking a bit lost. She wanders around for a bit.)
(Carla jogs in.)
Carla: Excuse me, are you lost?
EW: (Cackles) Yes...Could you tell me where to find noxious potions and boiling cauldrons?
Carla: Um...you probably want the Chemistry department. It's in Olin. That way.
EW: Chemistry?
Carla: Yeah, chemistry. And you might consider stopping by the Wellness Center. That cough sounds nasty. (She jogs off.)
EW: So, I seek the fabled land of Olin! (She hobbles off.)
(TF hops on.)
TF: There's no lakes in this whole place! I found this one dent that looked like it should have a lake, but no water! Not a drop! Not even ice! Man, what I wouldn't give to be in a land with a lake! Or ten lakes! Or ten thousand lakes! (He hops off.)
Narrator: The prince and princess, meanwhile, had located a suitable fortress...
HP: You'll be safe in this fortress. I'm off to slay that dragon. Stay right here until I get back.
BP: I won't move from this spot. Good luck! (She waves her handkerchief daintily.)
(HP strides off.)
BP: Ahhh...my hero.
(BP continues gazing in the direction that HP strode off in. After a while, Carla enters.)
(Carla tries to get past BP, who doesn't move.)
Carla: Um, excuse me.
(BP continues gazing off.)
Carla: Um, are you going to move, or what? I have to get to my CS class.
BP: No. My prince told me to wait right here. And so, faithfully, I must wait.
Carla: Your prince? Faithfully? You're gonna let some man control your life like that?
BP: Why...yes!
Carla: Lemme tell you something, honey. It don't work that way. You have to stand up for yourself, not let some jerk dominate you. What do you think you are, living in a fairy tale? This is the 2Ks. Women have their own minds and their own souls and their own lives now.
BP: But he said to wait here.
Carla: And what do you think your "prince" is doing right now?
BP: He's slaying a dragon to protect me.
Carla: Right, "slaying a dragon." What's the dragon's name, Melissa?
BP: I didn't know dragons had names! I'm sure I'VE never been introduced to one.
Carla: Come on, honey. Let me show you what empowered women do in the 2Ks. (She drags BP off.)
Narrator: The handsome prince bravely approached the fearsome dragon.
BP: (Pulls out his sword.) I shall slay thee, oh ye foul serpent! Have at thee!
(He runs for the "dragon," but Carl comes on and grabs him.)
Carl: Hey, now. How much did you have to drink last night?
BP: I did nothing last night. I've been asleep for a thousand years.
Carl: Man, lucky you. I never get more than four hours.
BP: Let me go! I must destroy the terrible beast yonder!
Carl: Hey, man. None of us like the construction. But keep doing that and you'll get expelled. Besides, those men are just poor tools of the capitalist system. You can't blame them. If you destroy the crane, they're the ones who're going to take the heat for it.
BP: You mean they're working for the dragon? I thought they were its slaves.
Carl: They might as well be slaves. Do you realize how much they pay those workers? You can't live on that, even in rural Minnesota! When the revolution comes...
BP: Um, excuse me, I'm going to go find my princess.
(Exeunt.)
(TF hops on.)
(Carla jogs in.)
TF: (aside) Ah! A beautiful princess! (To Carla) Fair maiden! (Carla smirks a little at that.) I am an enchanted prince! If you kiss me, I will return to my true form! Then I will take you to my castle where we can live as king and queen!
(Carla picks TF up, puts him in her pocket, and starts to walk off.)
Elf: (to audience) Uh, use your imagination.
TF: Hey, wait a minute! Aren't you going to kiss me?
Carla: I'm a CS major. I don't have time for a boyfriend, let alone a king. But a talking frog is cool. (She keeps walking off.)
TF: Hey, wait! Let me go! Let me go!
(Exeunt.)
Narrator: Meanwhile, the evil witch had found the fabled land of Olin...
EW: (Stirs a magic brew.)
(Carl enters.)
Carl: Excuse me, which section are you in?
EW: Section?
Carl: Oh, no, another intro student. Listen, you guys aren't allowed in the labs without a lab ass.
EW: I am not a student! I am a mistress of enchantment!
Carl: Yeah, "mistress," you're still not allowed to play with the chemicals!
EW: Do not presume to tell me what I can and cannot do! If you try to stop me, I shall lock this land into perpetual cold!
Carl: It's a little late for that one. I admit, it got all the way up to positive ten today, but I'm sure it's going back to the negatives next week.
(EW is taken aback. Nobody has responded to her threats that way before.)
Carl: Come on, get out of here.
(Exeunt.)
(BP enters.)
BP: Oh, my. I feel quite faint from that affray with those...(with disgust) women. (She wobbles a bit on her feet.)
(Carl enters.)
(BP spys him, and swoons in his direction. Carl does not catch her. She flops to the ground.)
(Carl rushes over.)
Carl: Are you all right?
BP: (Indignantly) Good sir, why didn't you catch me?
Carl: Well, how was I supposed to know you were going to do that?
BP: Wasn't it obvious?
Carl: Actually, I've never seen anyone swoon before.
BP: What a heathen society. (She gets up and storms off.)
(Exeunt.)
(Carl and Carla are onstage, fencing.)
(HP walks on and notices them. He draws his sword and leaps between them, facing Carl.)
HP: How dare you attack a defenseless maiden? (To Carla) I shall protect thee, my lady, against the roguish advances of this man. (He swings a blow or two at Carl.)
Carl: Stop! I haven't learned that parry yet! Cut it out! (He breaks out of his fencing stance and runs back.)
HP: That should teach you to pick on a helpless damsel.
Carl: But she doesn't need any protection!
HP: Devious liar! All women need protection!
Carla: What do you think you're doing?
HP: I am protecting your honor, m'lady.
Carla: I don't need any protection! And you just attacked my student!
HP: Your student?
Carla: I was teaching Carl a six parry until you barged in and went after him with these advanced moves. He's a beginner!
HP: (stunned) You weren't in danger?
Carla: No, but you're going to be if you don't leave the gym this instant. (Raises her sword) Have at thee!
(Carla chases HP offstage. Carl follows them off.)
(Carl and Carla chase EW onstage.)
EW: I don't understand what you're so upset about!
Carl: We've worked so hard on this campus to give Wiccans a good name, and then you have to go and act like the stereotypical "evil witch!" You're just helping our detractors.
EW: But I AM an evil witch!
Carla: That's not what Wicca is about! It's about nature, and not hurting other people. NOT making potions in the chem lab!
EW: (splutters)
(Exeunt.)
(TF is center stage. He bangs on the wall of an invisible aquarium, like he was a mime or something.)
TF: Great. I ask someone for directions to a lake and I end up trapped in this weird place called the "Bio department." I thought my troubles were over when I got away from that CS girl. I don't even know what CS is! I'm a frog! All I want is a nice lilypad to float on, and maybe a beautiful princess to kiss me. Is that so much to ask? (He bangs his head against the wall.) Wait a minute. This thing moved. (He bangs against it again, and again, and again...)
Narrator: After much effort on the part of the frog, his glass prison tumbled from the table and smashed against the ground.
TF: I'm free! (Hops off.)
(BP is seated center stage. Enter HP. They see each other. He takes a step forward, and she rushes to him. They hug.)
BP: Thank goodness you've returned. I've met the most awful people here! They don't know anything about the proper way to behave.
HP: Don't worry, my sweet. I'm here to protect you. Because you're just a fair damsel who needs protection.
BP: Oh, yes! I need protection! Protect me!
Elf: (To audience) Remember, always use protection.
(They sit down together. She puts her hand on his thigh. He puts his hand on her opposite shoulder. They start to embrace-
-and pull away suddenly.)
BP and HP: What are we doing?!?
HP: This land has corrupted us.
BP: We have to do something before they take over our minds completely.
HP: How did you think of that?
BP: It's this place! It's making me...making me think! (She bursts into tears.)
(He holds her sedately.)
(TF hops in.)
TF: Boy, this place is nuts! I can't even find a woman to kiss me! And there's no lakes!
BP: (sobs) I know. It's awful.
(EW hobbles in.)
HP: (to EW) What have you done to this world?
EW: Listen, kid. I may want to twist the world in evil and cruel ways, but this is not how I'd do it.
BP: (sobs) Then what's happened?
EW: The world's changed somehow.
HP: (stands up heroically) Then we can change it back!
EW: Oh, sure. This is not another one of your crusades, princeling.
TF: No, I think he's right. This world's screwed up, but there's gotta be something we can do about it.
BP: (sniffles) Yeah. You don't want to be stuck here, do you?
EW: Definitely not.
HP: (draws his sword) Then let's do it. (Raises his sword above his head) Let's find a way to make this world back into our fairy-tale kingdom.
(Lights down.)