Cast of Characters:
Group 1:
Guinivere
Arthur
Elane
Group 2:
Lancelot
Morgana
Brave, brave Sir Robin

Author's Note #1: All content of this script has been extracted, distilled and fermented from actual conversations, most of which have taken place at Saga.
Author's Note #2: These characters have been lovingly hand-crafted with the utmost care and then jammed into the script, and left to fend for themselves.
Author's Note #3: This premise may seem familiar to you; some of the authors wrote a similar script last year.

(Group 1 and group 2 sit at opposite ends of the stage. Elane is offstage.)

Guinivere: Looks like a burger night again.
Arthur: Yep. Nothing else edible.
(They chew in silence and make faces for a moment. Enter Elane.)
Elane: Have you noticed that there are a lot fewer squirrels around lately?
G: Whaddya think's in the burgers?

Lancelot: No, no! By the time you get to a menage a cinq, it's an orgy!
Morgana: Well, they don't all have to be participating.
Robin: You mean orgies are a spectator sport?
L: You know, orgies would make a good Olympic sport.
R: But how would you score it?
M: I dunno...there's an awful lot of scoring going on already.

G: Speaking of hamburgers, that disembodied Hamburger Helper hand always gave me nightmares.
A: I guess you'd watched too much Addams Family (Makes hand walk along table).
E: Oh, I can so see Uncle Fester as the "Where's the Beef?" lady.
G: (in Uncle Fester voice) Where's the Beef?

R: You know, Dishroom Dave is the seventh member of the Village People.
M: Really?
(Everybody gets up and starts singing and dancing to the tune of YMCA:)
Young Man
Are you hungry for lunch,
I said young man
Do you not mind some crunch
In your pasta
Or some flies in your fruit
Then we have just the place for you
(dun dun dun dun dun)
It's fun to eat here at
S-A-G-A
It's fun to eat here at S-A-G-A.
They have everything
That you want in a meal
Plus a little bit more they conceal

(They go silent for a moment, look at each other confusedly and shrug, then dance that John Travolta pointing thing as they launch into, to the tune of "Macho Man":)
Nacho, nacho bar
I want to eat the nacho bar
(Shouted) Unh!

(They look at each other again, and go back to their seats.)

A: You know, some idiot called me up at 8:00 this morning to offer me a credit card.
E: You should do what I do. Say "That sounds interesting; tell me all about it." Then put the phone down and walk away.
G: Or do what Calvin does. Say "Hold on a minute," blow up a balloon, pop it, and scream "Augh! I've been shot!"
A: They always mangle my name, too. You wouldn't think "Harris-Warrick" would be all that hard. One guy called up and asked for Mr. Har-wass-kick. I tried to put the phone down before I laughed, but by the time I came back he had hung up.
E: (Picks up an imaginary phone) Hello, can I talk to Mr. Hard-whuppin Ass-kick?

L: Good Catholics go to heaven, and bad ones go to hell.
M: No, they go to Purgatory.
R: No, they go to Saga.
M: Dead Catholics go to Saga?
L: Whaddya think's in the burgers?
R: It's people! Soylent brown is people!

E: Arthur, tell them about the e-mail you were writing to your friend!
A: Well, I had just seen Hamlet, and I was in kind of a weird mood, so I started writing Hamlet as a "Dick and Jane" book.
Hamlet wants to kill Claudius.
Hamlet wants to kill himself.
Hamlet doesn't know who to kill first.
See Hamlet contemplate.
Waffle, Hamlet, waffle.
See Claudius plot to kill Hamlet.
Scheme, Claudius, scheme.
See plans go horribly wrong.
Die, everyone, die.
G: And then you have Shakespeare's younger brother, Shake-Javelin.
A: Yeah, he's the same guy who wrote 13th Night.
E: And Merchant of Pompeii.
G: Prick me, do I not bleed. Tickle me do I not laugh. Wrong me do I not....AAAHHHH, VOLCANO!
A: (in heavy Minnesotan accent) The Coooooast is Tooooooast.
G: And he also wrote The Taming of the Woodchuck
E: And As You Want It. It takes place in a Burger King.
A: We can't forget, his masterpiece about the tortured soul of... Piglet. Pooh brutally murdered Piglet's father so he could marry Kanga.
E: Piglet's father was married to Kanga?
G: Sure, it's no weirder than a frog and a pig getting it on.
A: "There's something rotten in the 100 Acre Woods."
E: It's the leaf pile, isn't it?
G: I can see the last line now, "Oh bother, I am slain."

R: You know, you can eat anything seductively.
L: No way.
M: Sure, I've eaten lots of things seductively.
L: Name 3.
M: Marshmallow chicks. (Pause for the demonstration by the mystery guest.)
R: I've never seen anyone eat marshmallow chicks that way before.
M: Green Beans. (Pause for the demonstration by the mystery guest.)
L: One more.
M: Umm, big slabs of Saga beef.
L: How do you do that one?
R: Well, you could lick it.
L: Yeah, I can see her sitting in the corner, seductively licking her beef.
R: Where's the beef?
M: You do not see me. I do not exist. I do not lick slabs of meat.

E: Do you think Han Solo would make out in the Goodhue coat closet during dinner time?

(Lights down.)