Authors' note: This script is based entirely on actual conversations, mostly held in the bowels of Burton. Please remember that we were under the effect of Saga when we said these gems.

Quote: "If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right? (Sam Goldwyn)
Quote 2: "Laugh it up, fuzzball."

Characters
Group 1:
Tybalt (should be able to do a Captain Picard voice)
Benedict
Beatrice

Group 2:
Horatio
Ophelia
Desdemona

(Note: the two groups should sit on opposite sides of the stage.)

Elf: The scene is two tables at Saga. Two groups of young, sometimes idealistic freshmen with slightly twisted minds are sitting around attempting to eat.

Beatrice: "Ugh...what is this stuff?"
Benedict: "They're calling it Chinese Pizza."
Tybalt: "It's better than that Seared Roebuck we had last night."
Benedict: "You know my theory on Saga food?"
Beatrice: "Please, enlighten us."
Benedict: "I think that Saga's in league with slime monsters from Mars. So everything they feed us is really slime, and eventually these viscous blobs will burst out of our chests, like in Aliens."
Tybalt: "Hmmm....Lovely thought."
Beatrice: "I think that Saga is beta testing those food replicators they have on Star Trek."
Tybalt: "Right, and these mashed potatoes are what they got when they said (Captain Picard voice) Tea, Earl Grey, Hot."
Benedict: "So they haven't gotten all the bugs worked out?"

***

Horatio: "Classics....I wanted to major in Archaeology, but they don't have it here."
Ophelia: "Classics and Archaeology, huh? What are you going to do, find the Ark of the Covenant?"
Desdemona: "You'll need a floozy, then. Indiana Jones always had one."
Horatio: "So how do I go about finding a floozy?"
Desdemona: "You could put an ad in the NNB."
Ophelia: "Wanted: a floozy. Must be willing to be kidnapped by Nazis and rescued by a whip-toting archaeologist. Cookies and gas money."

***

Benedict: "It's about this guy who turns into a girl every time he gets wet."
Beatrice: "That's gotta make taking showers complicated."
Tybalt:"Yeah, and which swim suit does he wear?"
Benedict: "No, but he only changes into a girl with cold water. He changes back with hot water."
Tybalt: "So what about warm water then?"
Benedict: "I dunno...a hermaphrodite maybe?"

***

Desdemona: "So I've been wondering, guys...what does CMC really stand for?"
Horatio: "Computers May Collapse?"
Ophelia: "Center for the Mentally Challenged?"
Desdemona: "Coalition of Monstrous Crustaceans?"
Horatio: "Causing Multiple Concussions?"
Ophelia: "Cows Murdering Chickens?"
Desdemona: "Cast-off Mortal Coil?"

***

Beatrice: "I used to be a really good aim with a javelin."
Tybalt: "Did you ever go javelin hunting?"
Beatrice: "Let me put it this way: Our distance runners won States four years in a row."
Benedict: "When can you hunt with a javelin, anyway? Bow season? Rifle season?"
Tybalt: "Or what if you want to use a primitive stone yo-yo?"
Benedict: "What's the season for hunting with your bare hands?"

***

Horatio: "I read on the 'net that the world's supposed to end in May 2000."
Ophelia: "It can't end then! That's after we finish our comps but before we graduate!"

***

Tybalt: "You know, to say 'from Saga' in Russian you say 'eez soggy.' So to say 'the apple is from Saga' you say 'yableko eez soggy.'"
Benedict: "Yah, bleccho! It's soggy!"

***

Desdemona: "I say, do what you want and screw the rest of the world."
Horatio: "That would take a long time."

***

Beatrice: "And I was like, 'Come on, Madonna! You're not even lactating yet!'"

***

Ophelia: "I'm always right. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."

***

Tybalt: "...but then I wouldn't talk to them, because they were dead."

***

Horatio: "I hear that aardvarks smell really bad when they get wet."

***

Benedict: "Boba Fett kills fewer people in those movies than Luke does."

***

Ophelia: "You know, 42 really ISN'T six times nine."

***

Group 1: "Massachusetts?"

***

Group 2: "Exactly."

(Lights down.)