Characters
Dow Jones, mighty defender of the American Way.
Das Bear, evil Neo-Nazi.
Blue Chip, a bratty but trustworthy sidekick.
Boris Yeltsin/The Wall-Climbing Baby from Trainspotting
Ruble, Boris Yeltsin's sultry ex-girlfriend.

Author's Note: Gene Siskel called it "the rollercoaster ride of the summer!"
Author's Note 2:All of the terms in this script are taken from the New York Times and CNNfn.

(The scene is Wall Street. Dow Jones is sitting at his desk after "drifting through a busy but hardly volatile session." Enter Blue Chip.)
BC:Dr. Jones! I hear you're up again after your liason with the Yen!
DJ:Yes, I'm shaking off worries and adding confidence.
BC:Guess what I just heard! Das Bear is trying to find and destroy the Golden Bull of Mesopotamia!
DJ:We have to stop him! Otherwise, there might be sharp drops and sloppy days in foreign markets!
BC:The bull was last seen in Russia. Let's go!
(The audience sings the Indiana Jones theme while a big map appears. A red line moves across it, from New York to London to Moscow.)
(The scene is an old, ratty, decrepit stock market in Moscow. Dow Jones picks his way through "buy" and "sell" parchements and the bloody corpses of executives who paper-cut themselves to death with junk bonds.)
BC: Look! A pit!
(DJ and BC peer down into the pit. Ruble is inside, falling.)
DJ:Don't worry, I'll save you!
(He swings his ticker-tape whip and catches Ruble by one wrist. He hauls her up out of the pit.)
Ruble:You saved me! I vould have fallen to my death! (She fawns over DJ.) Boris was not there to rescue me...I left him alone and I think he died.
(In the background, Boris Yeltsin crawls across the stage, looking sickly.)
DJ:Have you seen a golden bull around here anywhere?
R:Are you kidding? Ve haven't had a bull around here in years. I think the bull vas taken to Berlin.
DJ:Berlin! Then it may already be in the hands of Das Bear! We have to hurry!
(The audience sings again as a map appears, with a line moving from Moscow to Berlin.)
(The scene is a big, temple-looking bank. DJ, BC and R work their way down a narrow corridor into a large room. In the center of the room is a pedestal with a golden bull statue on it.)
R:Zat's it. Ze bull!
DJ:Stay here. I'll get it. (He walks carefully to the pedestal. He looks at the statue, then pulls out a video copy of Clinton's Grand Jury testimony. He quickly grabs the statue and drops the video.)
(Dramatic pause.)
(The video does not sink.)
BC:Wait a minute, Dow! That video doesn't weigh anywhere near as much as that statue!
DJ:Maybe not, but there's just as much bull on that tape as there is in the statue.
R:Let's get out of here!
(Enter Das Bear, snickering evilly.)
DB:Very gut, Herr Jones! But now you vill give the statue to me.
(The statue floats out of Jones's hands and into Das Bear's!)
DJ:How did you do that?
DB:A Triple Vitching. I'll see you in Vall Street. (He laughs evilly and exits.)
BC:Holy cow, Jones! If he destroys that bull on Wall Street, then, as economists' legends have it, world markets will melt down! Das Bear will rule the world!
(The audience sings again as the map takes our brave heroes back to New York.)
(The scene is the pit underneath Wall Street. Crazed investors run around. In the center, on top of the big bank of computers, sits Das Bear. The Golden Bull is at his feet, and he is holding Euro Disney over it.)
DB:Muahahaha!
DJ:I'll foil your evil devaluations! (He flings Alan Greenspan at Das Bear. Das Bear is knocked off of the computers.)
DB:No, you von't! I'll make zose markets tumble! (He pulls out a voodoo doll of Dow Jones) Look! I have ze power of Voodoo Economics! (He stabs a pin into the doll.)
(DJ stumbles.)
DB:And here's the pin of Weaker G7 economies! (He stabs another.)
(DJ staggers to the floor.)
DJ:But wait! (He pulls himself to his knees) I still have Consumer Confidence! (Aside:) Stupid Americans. (To DB again) And the mighty power of Housing Starts! (He rises to his feet.) Then there's the strength of the Tobacco Companies! (He runs to Das Bear and flings him out of the market.)
R:You did it! You saved the global markets!
BC:Now everything's right and good again, right!
R:Vell, except for Russia. You can save me, but you can't save Russia.
(Boris Yeltsin crawls back onstage in a diaper.)
BY:You killed me....Wahhhhhhhhhhh!(He crawls across and off the stage.)
R:(Starts to slink off after him)
DJ:Don't go, Ruble!
R:You're right....Ithere's nothing left for me in Russia. My real future is with you, Dow.
(They embrace.)
(Lights down.)