Characters
Narrator
Multitalented character 1
Multitalented character 2
Celebrity impersonator

Narrator: (In the style of Alistair Cooke) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. In an effort to expand the minds of today's youth and find more fodder for the Disney corporation, we have selected a few great works of literature and have created scenes from them in the style of a Walt Disney feature film. So without further ado, here are the movies. (pause.) Fyodor Dostoevsky is one of the greatest minds in Russian literature, and his Crime and Punishment is one of the most widely-read Russian novels. So now, here are select scenes from...Walt Disney's version of...Crime...and Punishment. With guest voice, Jack Nicholson.

(Enter Multitalented Character 1, with an axe (Celebrity impersonator) poorly concealed under his jacket.)
MC1: I'm not sure I can do it. Am I really a Napoleon, or am I just a farm boy? I need some guidance.
CI: (Doing a Jack Nicholson voice) You can do it, you little Raskol! I'll teach ya how!
(Enter MC2, as an old lady.)
CI: (To the tune of "Be Our Guest")
Stab.....her....chest
(On "Chest," MC1 hits MC2 with the axe)
Stab her chest
Put that axe right through her breast
You can do it to convince yourself and all you are the best
You will slice!
You will dice!
You will chop her twice or thrice
(MC1 hacks her a few more times.)
If you do it will be true and then it all will work out nice
MC1: I've done it! I've accomplished my feat! I'm a big boy now!
CI: Congratulations, kid, you just hacked apart a defenseless 70-year old woman.
(Exeunt.)
(MC2 is on stage. She is Sonia, the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. Enter MC1 with CI.)
MC2: Roddy, is something bothering you? You can tell me!
MC1: Oh, no, nothing...I'm...fine...everything's fine...how are you?
MC2: Rodinator, you aren't being honest with me!
CI: Come on, you gotta be yourself, kid! Tell her the truth! Tell her who ya really are!
MC1: I...I...I hacked an old woman to death with my little hatchet.
MC2: Oh, I love you so much more for being honest with me...I'll go to prison with you, and it'll be a lovely, happy Disney prison...life is just beginning for us!
(They embrace. Exeunt.)

Narrator: Wasn't that just heartwarming? Next we have the tale of a young man learning to cope with change in his life. Disney's version of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis.

(MC2 wakes up and stretches all six of his legs.)
MC2: Wait a minute...I could only stretch two legs before. Gosh golly gee whiz, I'm a bug! I'm having such an identity crisis! If only a small, wise bug would come to help me out!
(Enter CI)
CI: (Doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) Hello, young bug. I am here to help you learn the ways of bugdom.
MC2: Actually, I was thinking of Jimminy Cricket.
CI: We must teach you all the useful things that cockroaches do. First, we will teach you to roll around in manure. Unt I must introduce you to my sister.
(MC1 comes in as a sexy female cockroach.)
MC2: Wow...maybe being a bug will be okay after all.

Narrator: Wasn't that romantic? His life will never be the same. Now we have a musical revue about life. The Walt Disney version of Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit.
(MC1 and 2, and CI, are all onstage, singing:)
This is the show that never ends
They just keep talking on my friends
Sartre started writing it not knowing it was dull
Destruction, death and symbolism, aren't they beautiful
This is the show that never ends... (Sing it through at least twice.)

Narrator: Thank goodness that's over. Now we have the wonderful story of the trials and tribulations of a princess. Disney's version of Leo Tolstoi's Anna Karennina.
(MC1 enters, wearing a dress and carrying a pocketbook, CI.)
MC1: Oh, pocketbook, you're the only one you can trust. I *sob* I don't think Vronsky loves me anymore.
CI: (With the voice of Angela Lansbury) There, there, dearie. It'll all work out. Just don't do anything drastic.
MC1: I don't have a choice. If I'm without him, the evil sorceror's spell compels me to kill myself. Here comes my train.
CI: Wait, dearie, you don't have a ticket!
(MC1 flings herself in front of the train. At the last minute, MC2 runs in and snatches her off of the tracks.)
MC1: Vronsky! You came for me!
MC2: I told you you could trust me. Now we'll never be apart again.

Narrator: What a happy ending. Now we have someone who truly listens to his own heart...and someone else's. Here's Walt Disney's Edgar Allen Poe's Telltale Heart.
(MC2 is standing over the hollow floor, staring guiltily down at it. A knock comes on the door.)
MC1 (from offstage): Police! Can we come in?
(MC2 goes over to the door and lets them in.)
MC1: We'd just like to ask you a few questions.
MC2: What's this about?
MC1: Have you heard anything about...(his voice trails off, but he keeps mouthing words, as...)
(CI, the heart of the murder victim, comes up out of the floor. It starts dancing around MC2 and singing: (to the tune of the "alien" song at the end of Spaceballs) (with the voice of Sammy Davis Jr.))
Hello my baby,
Hello my honey,
Hello my ragtime gal,
Do you remember me,
Baby you hacked me in three!
If you ignore me, or you abhor me,
I think that soon you'll find,
That baby, you're gonna lose your miiiiiind.
MC2: (Screams, runs off.)

Narrator: And to close, we have a timeless tale of a diamond in the rough. Walt Disney's version of Anthony Burgess's A Clockwork Orange.
MC1: (Wanders around the stage, beating the crap out of people and singing, to the tune of "Circle of Life":)
From the day Bog drops us on the planet,
And we go to find us some fun,
There's more to kill than can ever be killed
More people to do than can ever be done-
It's the circle of death...
(He exits.)
(MC1 is strapped to a chair with his eyes pried open. CI is a Woody Allen-type doctor.)
CI: Well, you know, we're gonna try out this new technique on you and see how well it works. We're gonna show you lots of movies of little bunnies and cute stuff. Here you go.
("Bambi" comes on the screen.)
MC1: Nyet! Nyet! Vot chyort! Bozhe moi! K chyortu, k chyortu! Nyeeeeeeeeet!
(Exeunt.)

Narrator: I personally liked that last one a lot. We didn't have to change any of his offensive lines, because nobody could understand them anyway. Next week, we'll be showing "Call of Cthuhlu," "The Stranger," "Sidhartha," "The Kama Sutra," "Heart of Darkness," and the Disney version of "Gray's Anatomy."
(Lights down.)