Characters:
Marv: Janitor for Disney. Large part.
Michael Eisner: Must be able to sing!!!!!!! Disney CEO. Large part.
Snow White: Must be able to sing!!!!!! Medium part
Mr. Subliminal: That little voice in your ear... Medium part.
Tinkerbell: Small part.

Quote: "To do: Sex, torture." (From the authors' notes to themselves while writing this script)

(Marv is mopping a Linoleum floor. He is humming a Disney song.)
(Eisner's voice comes from offstage. Marv listens.)
Eisner: You don't have to tell ME that phase 4 of our plan was less than successful. I KNOW that Pocahontas and Hercules flopped. But just you wait for phase 5. (pause) You don't have to worry about the radical Christians discovering phase 5 like they did phase 3. It's much more subtle. (pause) Yes, it'll control them just as well. Better, even.
(Marv's mouth drops. He inhales sharply in surprise and shock.)
Eisner: What was that? Hold on.
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.
(He enters, sees Marv. Marv hurries offstage.)

(Scene 2. Marv thinks he is alone on stage. Tinkerbell hides in a corner.)
Marv: (Speaking to the audience) When I heard what Eisner said, I got suspicious. So I started poking around. Being a janitor has its privileges, ya' know. I had keys to all the executive offices, so I started going through some files. Nobody's ever suspicious of a janitor. I found out a lot of things. Disney's been controlling our childrens' minds for the last fifty years. Until recently, they just used it to make kids buy all of their junk. But now, they have something far more diabolical planned. I'm the only one in the world who knows. It's up to me....to stop Disney...
Mr. S: (Running across the stage) Get chicks.
Marv:...protect our childrens' minds...
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Get chicks.
Marv:...preserve democracy...
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Get chicks.
Marv:...and save the world as we know it!
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Get chicks.
Marv: Stop it with the subliminal messages! Disney is always putting in subliminal messages about sex and stuff. But I really am an honest, upright, citizen with noble intentions!v Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) To get chicks.
(Marv races angrily off after Mr. S.)
(Once he's gone, Tinkerbell picks herself up and flies off.)

(Scene 3. Eisner is sitting at his desk. Tinkerbell flies in.)
Tinkerbell: (Tinkles in an agitated manner.)
Eisner: What is it, Tink? Is our plan in trouble?
Tinkerbell: (Tinkles some more)
Eisner: That janitor!
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.
Eisner: I never would have guessed! Who ever suspects a janitor? Stick close to him, Tink. We'll take care of him.

(Scene 4. Marv is prowling around the Disney corporate headquarters.)
(Snow White is leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette.)
(In all of this scene, Snow White has a high, squeaky voice.)
Marv: Those things'll kill ya', ya' know.
Snow White: Silly janitor, lung cancer is for humans!
Mr. S:(Running across the stage) Gratuitous Trix Cereal reference.
Marv: And what are you, chopped liver?
Snow White: I'm a cartoon character! Things work differently for us.
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.
Marv: What was that?
Snow White: It's just the dust cloud from The Lion King.
Marv: Say...aren't you supposed to have seven little men with you?
Snow White: They weren't man enough for me.
Marv: Well, I'm man enough for any woman.
Snow White: Well, I'm not just any woman.
Marv: Well, I'm saving the world.
Snow White: Well, that is noble. But even Luke Skywalker could save the world, so I don't know how manly it is.
Marv: Let me show you. (He leads her offstage.)
Mr. S:(Running across the stage) Sex.

(Scene 5. Marv and Snow White are sneaking down a corridor.)
(Snow White's voice is more normal.)
Snow White: So what's the next move?
Marv: You know, your voice is more normal now.
Snow White: It's because of the pantyhose.
Marv: Huh?
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.
Snow White: That stuff's so tight, a girl can barely breathe in them, let alone talk! But anyway, what's the next move?
Marv: I guess we'll have to wait for them to make a move.
(Michael Eisner steps on stage. He is carrying a gun.)
Eisner: How's THIS for a move?
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.

(Scene 6. A torture chamber. Marv and Snow White are tied up.) Eisner (Singing, to the tune of "Be Our Guest")
Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our thumbscrews to the test
Bring a body full of nerve cells and let Disney do the rest
We will poke
We will pry
We will duct tape both your eyes
We will tie you up and make you watch our movies 50 times

Marv: (interrupting) Nooooo! Please stop!
Eisner: I haven't even started yet! (cackles) Look at what I have in store for you! When I close this door, it will cut that rope, which will open those tubes and let water slowly fill the giant glass bottle you two are trapped in (Marv and Snow White mime being in a glass bottle). Meanwhile, the giant video screens surrounding you are all playing Bambi! (Lights flash ominously) And just in case you have any hopes that drowning will save you from the movie, fear not! We have timed it perfectly so that you will not drown until the movie ends! You will learn a new definition of pain and suffering!
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Gratuitous Star Wars reference.
Eisner: I'd love to stay around, but I have to take over the world! (Leaves, cackling.)
Snow White: How will we ever get out of this horrible situation?
Marv: I don't know, but Batman always did.
Snow White: You know, Marv, now that we're going to die, I think I should tell you that...I love you. Ever since I first saw you, it was like...chemistry
Marv: Chemistry?
Snow White: Yeah. Chemistry.
Mr. S:(Comes out onto the stage, stops.) You know, that would make a good running gag. (Runs offstage)
Marv: I love you too...Wait! I have my mop! (Smashes the bottle with his mop. Audience makes "glass smashing" sounds.) (Yelling maniacally) Die, Bambi! (He smashes the giant monitor. Audience makes "glass smashing" and "Bambi dying" sounds.)
Snow White: My hero!
Marv: Now to stop Eisner and save the world! (They run offstage.)

(Scene 7. Eisner is sitting at his desk, rubbing his hands together evilly.)
Eisner: Ha ha...my master plan is almost complete. Soon I will rule the world!
(Marv and Snow white burst in)
Marv: No, you don't! We're here to stop you!
Mr. S:(Running back across the stage) Sex.
Eisner: Wait a minute...I thought I killed you! It doesn't matter; you're too late! My plan has almost reached fruition! Imagine! (He waves his hand as if showing something fabulous, and starts singing, to the tune of "A Whole New World")

Come and see our new world
Happy, sex-filled and placid,
Walking zombies are engineered to
Stay where they belong

I can give you a pill
To give you wonder by wonder,
To make you forget that we control
Each aspect of your life

A brave new world
An old and rigid point of view
We always tell you No
And where to go
Don't let us catch you dreaming...

Marv: (Interrupts) No! No! I'll never join you!
Mr. S:(Running across the stage) Gratuitous Star Wars reference.
(Marv collapses to the stage, sobbing.)
Snow White: (Crosses over to Marv, behaves sympathetically and encouragingly.) Don't give up, Marv! If we defeat him, his evil plan will fail! We can save the world if we can just stop...(bursts into song, to the tune of "Prince Ali", from Aladdin)

Michael E
Mighty is he
Tyrant of Disney
Genuflect
Show some respect
Down on one knee
Now try your best to stay calm
Or else he'll set off a bomb
And we can't do that effect at Chelsea.

Snow White (spoken): And you can't let him destroy all that's good and wholesome in the world, can you?
Marv: That's it! (Leaps to his feet, confronts Eisner) Your plan will never work! While you were trying to control childrens' minds, you were also implanting good, wholesome American values! You defeated yourself by bringing Love and Happiness into the world! (He and Snow White burst into "It's a Small World After all." They sing a few bars.)
Eisner: Noooo! It can't be! (Runs offstage, makes "falling off of a cliff" noises.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (thud)
Marv: Where did the cliff come from?
Snow White: Silly! All Disney villains fall off of cliffs!
Marv: Oh.
Snow White: My hero...(fawns over Marv)
Marv: It's all in a day's work for me...stopping Disney, protecting our childrens' minds, preserving democracy, and saving the world as we know it. (Drapes his arm around Snow White)
Mr. S:(Running across the stage) And getting chicks.