Characters
Disgruntled Saga Worker-He's been working at Marriott just a little too long.
Scary Saga Man-You know the one we mean. The one who makes you feel guilty for asking for food.
Obnoxious Boy-Small part.
Freshman-Small part.
Innocent Bystander-Largish part.
Action Hero-Big, manly and out to save the world. Largish part.
Floozy-Typical floozy. Few lines, lots of fawning.
William Shatner-Must be able to overact.

Author's note: For all you folks who were off-campus last term, we thought we'd fill you in on what happened while you were gone.
Author's note 2: How come you never hear of anyone being called "gruntled?"
Author's note 3: This isn't autobiographical in any way. Really it isn't.
Quote: "Chickens, like two-edged swords, ofttimes come home to roost." (A small newspaper in Wisconsin)

(Note to Scary Saga Man: For the whole script, you stand at your position and scowl. Nothing fazes you, and your expression never changes.)
(Note to Action Hero: Except when specifically told otherwise, you always speak in a deep, manly voice and act macho.)

(William Shatner is offstage. Scary Saga Man and Disgruntled Saga Worker are standing at different parts of the stage, serving food. The fifth row of the audience and the rest of the cast are students going through Disgruntled Saga Worker's line. When Obnoxious Boy gets to the front of the line...)
OB: Could you give me some of that stuff (pointing), but take out all of the onions? And I'd like some extra meat, too.
Disgruntled Saga Worker: What? You want me to go through this thing (gesturing angrily) and pick out all of those little onions? Aaaaaaaaagh! (Picks up the pan, beats OB to death with it. Looks around in a crazed manner.) Who's next?
Freshman: (timidly) Uh...uh...uh...can I have some...
(DSW hits Freshman with the pan. Freshman crumples.)
Innocent Bystander: Somebody get the manager!
(William Shatner emerges.)
WS: Okay, what's going on out here?
DSW: What?!? William Shatner's the manager of Saga? (Runs over and starts to beat WS)
IB (to audience): Explains a lot, doesn't it?
WS: Oh, no! I've been attacked by a Marriott worker! (Emoting horribly, he falls to the ground.)
DSW: Would anyone like fries with that? (Laughs insanely)
(Students duck for cover, except Floozy who is left in the path of DSW.)
(Action Hero strides onstage from stage left, scoops up Floozy just before DSW gets to her, and carries her off to stage right. IB is there when he arrives. They crouch behind the Elf.)
Floozy: My hero! You saved me! (Fawns all over AH)
AH: All in a day's work for an action hero such as myself. (Strikes a manly pose.)
IB: But what can we do to stop this guy? He's a madman!
AH: Well, what do we have in the way of weapons?
IB: All we have here is the Sweet+Sour Pork.
AH: No good. It's banned by the Geneva Conventions.
WS: (Pulls himself up a little) You must stop him and save Marriott! (Collapses again)
(DSW starts coming towards AH. AH quickly shoves a few of the fifth row people in his way. DSW starts beating them to death.)
AH: That earned us a little time. Now, we need a plan!
IB: Well, if we could get some of those chicken chimichangas...
AH: Never fear, I'll handle it. (Tears himself away from Floozy, walks brashly up to Scary Saga Man)
SSM: (In a deep, intimidating voice) Yes.
AH: (shrinks back a little, says timidly) Um...can I have two chicken chimichangas please?
SSM: (same voice) Only one!
AH: (timidly) Okey! (Takes his chimichanga and rejoins IB. Floozy reattaches herself to him.) (In his manly voice again) Bad news. They only had one left.
IB: I got some cream cheese while you were gone too!
AH: Great! Now what can we do with these?
WS: (Stands unsteadily) (To DSW) How can you do this? You're depriving thousands of hungry college students of their well-deserved meals!
DSW: But don't you see I'm saving them?
WS: (Yelling) But you don't have the right to make that kind of decision! You're only a student worker! Yours is not to question why, yours is but to do and...
DSW: DIE!!!! (Beats WS to death with the pan)
(AH shoves the rest of the fifth row in front of DSW. DSW goes back to beating them with the pan.)
AH: I've got it! You'll go plant this block of cream cheese over there (pointing), and when he comes for you, I'll throw the chimichanga at him! He'll be knocked into the cream cheese and suffocate!
IB: Right! (Takes the cream cheese, goes to center stage, puts it down. while he is doing that...)
Floozy: But won't he be killed by the disgruntled Saga worker?
AH: Don't worry your pretty little head about that.
Floozy: Okay! (Goes back to clinging to AH)
(DSW finishes the last of the fifth row, goes over to IB and beats him with the pan. AH throws the chimichanga. It catches DSW square in the forehead. He is knocked into the cream cheese. As he squirms around....)
WS: (Gets up a little) At least the Innocent Bystander died nobly...Only I could die more nobly than that. (Collapses again)
(AH crosses to center stage, surveys the mountains of dead bodies.) So once again the world is saved....by me! (Strikes a manly pose)
Floozy: My hero! (Fawns over him)
WS: (Gets up a little) Lights.....down!
(Lights down.)