Characters:
Hardy Boy
His sidekick, Bob
Victim 1
Victim 2
Victim 3
A Floozy
Unidentified Villain 1
Unidentified Villain 2
King of Denmark

Narrator: Our story opens outside of Saga.
(The Hardy Boy is hanging around.)
(Victim1 comes stumbling out, clutching his stomach and gagging.)
V1: It was...it was...the eggplant! No, wait, that's last week's skit....it was...*gasp*(dies).
HB: Oh, vat is dis? I tink something is happened, ja?
(Enter Bob, HB's trusty sidekick)
B: (squeaky voice) Great slimy Saga salad bar, Hardy, I think he's dead!
HB: Are you being sure? Maybe he is yust pining for the fjords!
B: Holy Guacamole, Hardy! Cut out the fake Norwegian accent!
HB: Okay, but only if you cut out the Robin impression.
(Victim 2 stumbles out, croaks, and dies)
B: (without the squeaky voice) Do you believe me now, Hardy?
HB: (Starts to speak)
V2:(Interrupting) I want to protest this idea of writing in characters and not giving them any lines...
HB: (Interrupting) You're dead. Shut up.
B: (in a surly tone) Yeah. (pause) That's the fourth one this week. (pause) What should we do, Hardy?
HB: Well, we could murph them...
B: No, Murph-Man's on vacation.
HB: Then we'll have to save the day! Come on, Bob! (Strikes a dramatic pose, runs off stage left, followed by B)
Narrator: Our hero and his trusty sidekick go to the erstwile abode of Dacie Moses to eat cookies as they plan.
HB:(Mumbles something with a mouth full of crumbs)
B: That's brilliant, Hardy!
HB: Well, of course it is! (puzzled) What did I say, anyway?
B: You mumbled something with a mouthful of crumbs.
HB: Crumbs....cereal bits scattered on a metal counter....Saga! Those people were eating at Saga when they died! They must have been poisoned!
B: How could they tell the difference?
HB: They couldn't! That's the evil scheme! The murderer must be someone who has access to Saga! To Saga! (Strikes another dramatic pose, runs off stage right, followed by B)
Narrator: Back to that den of iniquity, of wet salad bowls, and mystery meat....Saga!
(A floozy is checking peoples' cards.)
F: (breathy voice) Hey, big boy. Got your ID on ya?
HB: Hi, Mona. (Hands her his ID and goes in) (Looks at the menu board) Cream of mosquito soup, Chinese pizza, Leftover stew, Seared robuck...(whirls around) Wait a minute! The murderer couldn't be sure he wouldn't get poisoned unless he didn't eat when any of the poisonings happened, right?
B: I guess so...
HB: Hey, Mona!
F: Yeah, big boy?
HB: Could you help us out?
F: (voice gets even breathier) Anything you say....
HB: Find out who didn't eat at Saga on the days when the murders happened.
F: Somebody was murdered? Oh, goodness!
HB: I'll write down the dates, and you can let me know when you find out.
F: Is there anything else? *wink*
HB: No. I've got lives to save! (Strikes a dramatic pose, runs off with B)
F: Well, geeeez....
(Exit Floozy.)
(Setup note: Put a box on the table to represent the TV)
Narrator: The scene is upstairs at the campus center, in front of the TV.
(HB and B are watching TV)
(F enters.)
F:Hi, hon.
HB: I told you never to come here! This is my TOP SECRET HIDEOUT!
F: I've got the goods for ya...
B: Really? Who is it?
F: It was...it was...(gags, collapses)
HB: (runs over) Are you okay? Who was it?
F: (splutters)(dies)
HB: (emotes) My floozy....I can't go on...
B: There are lives at stake, Hardy Boy...(patriotic voice) The world...needs you.
HB: You're right, Bob. I must mourn my Mona on the morrow. I have a killer to catch.
B: Holy illegitimate alliteration, Hardy!
HB: Enough of that, Bob. We must stop this fiend before he strikes again!
B: You're right, but how?
HB: It's simple. The villain must be eating downtown, and no other student would brave the arctic wasteland of Minnesota just for a bite of edible food. Next time there's a murder, we shall rush downtown and apprehend the villain!
B: Hmmm...Northfield has a history of that sort of thing.
HB: To infinity....and beyond! (Strikes a dramatic pose, runs off)
B: That one might be overdoing it a bit. (runs off)
Narrator: Our fearless heroes once more enter the bowels of Burton....Saga!
(HB and B are waiting attentively.)
(Victim 3 stumbles out.)
V3: I knew I shouldn't have had that second piece of...of...*gasp* (dies)
HB: Quick! To Northfield!
B: It's 70 below out! How will we survive?
HB: I'll use my superpower! (steps off stage, changes into a winter coat. Comes out in a He-Man pose) I am....Super-Hardy! No one can freeze me!
B: But what about me?
HB: You'll think of something. (Strikes a dramatic pose, runs off with B)
Narrator: We find our hero in a raging blizzard. The audience makes blizzard noises.
(HB is chasing Unidentified Villian 1, who is wearing a ski mask.)
HB: You'll never get away with this, you fiend!
UV1: He, he, he, you can't catch me!
HB: Just you wait, you unmitigated reprobate!
(UV1 bursts open the doors and runs into Davis.)
Narrator: Now for the climactic showdown...in Davis.
(B is waiting as UV1 and HB run in.)
UV1: (Attempts to run down the hall.)
B:(Stops him)
UV1: (Whips out a nasty dagger and stabs B)
B: Augh......I am slain...(slumps to the ground)
HB: O villain, thou hast stolen all that is dear to me! My floozy, my trusty sidekick! O, thou hast a heart as black as fly-specks! Have at thee! (Whips out a sword)
UV1: (Whips out one of his own.)
(They duel for a while, until they both stab each other.)
HB: Your evil plan is foiled at last, Unidentified Villian...No more shalt thou cleave the threads of fate in twain!
UV: But witness yet; my visage is concealed! Never shalt thou know thine enemy! Muahaha*choke* (dies)
HB: But villain, I have saved...humanity...(dies)
B: (Struggles to sit up) Good night, sweet prince....(dies)
(The King of Denmark comes onstage)
KoD: Something is rotten in the state of Saga.... (strides off)
Narrator: Well, that was the Shakespeare ending...now how about another one? The audience makes rewinding noises.
Narrator: Once again, we find our hero in a raging blizzard. The audience makes blizzard noises.
(HB is chasing Unidentified Villian 2, who is wearing a ski mask.)
HB: You'll never get away with this, you fiend!
UV2: Dam the stream of consciousness, full speed ahead!
HB: Unrighteous villain, I'll have you dead!
(UV2 bursts open the doors and runs into Davis.)
Narrator: Our hero stumbles into Davis, hot on the trail of the Unidentified Villain...
(B is waiting as UV and HB run in.)
UV2: (Attempts to run down the hall.)
B:(Stops him)
HB: (Advances on UV2, unmasks him.) Wait! I know you! You're my....my father!
(UV2 makes Darth Vader noises.)
HB: This is getting really weird...
(Everyone who died in the play comes back on, lumbering like a zombie and groaning.)
(The zombies start doing the Macarena.)
HB: No! Aaaagh!
(Lights down.)
(When the lights come up, HB is alone on the stage. He is lying on the ground.)
HB: Whoah.....I shouldn't watch all those movies when I'm drunk. (Collapses again.)
Narrator: That was the First Burton ending. Finally...the Scooby-Doo ending!
Narrator: Back to the blizzard. Audience, you know what to do.
(HB is chasing Floozy, who is wearing a ski mask (like the Unidentified Villains).)
HB: (stops for a moment) How many times are we going to do the raging blizzard bit, anyway? I may be Hardy, but I'm freezing!
(F bursts open the doors and runs into Davis.)
Narrator: Our final dramatic showdown...in Davis hall!
(B is waiting as F and HB run in.)
F: (Attempts to run down the hall.)
B:(Stops her)
HB: (Advances on F, unmasks her.) *gasp* The unidentified villian was my floozy!
F: Yes! I killed those people so that I could get at the buried treasure in the steam tunnels! But you were on my trail, so I faked my own murder! I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you and that mangy mutt!
B: Hey! I resent that!
Narrator: And the universe is safe again, thanks to Hardy Boy and his youthful sidekick, Bob!