Author's Note: This script is dedicated to Bob Newhart. If you've seen his stuff, you know why.

(Note to reader: The spaces indicate places where you should pause long enough for the person on the other end to reply.)

(Pick up a phone) Hi, Mom, it's me.

Yes, I know I should call more often. I've been busy. How are things back there? How's Dad?

Wow! That's early! Good behavior?

Yeah, Dad was always good at that.

Well, I met someone. We've been going out for three weeks now.

(A little embarassed) Well, yes, we have.

(Indignant) I don't think how many times is any of your business, Mom.

Of course we took precautions. You know you can trust me.

No, that's okay. They're only 10 cents apiece here.

No, the plain, unflavored ones are just fine.

You didn't need to tell me that, Mom. I didn't need to know that.

You're right, I didn't know they came in mango flavor.

No, I DON'T want to know what else is mango-flavored. Look, can we change the subject?

Yes, it just came today. You...uh...REALLY shouldn't have.

As a matter of fact, I DON'T appreciate it. You know I'm clean now, Ma.

I don't think that a little before exams will help me study. Have you seen what that stuff does to monkey brains?

I guess, if I can find a buyer. Seems like an odd way to pay off my college loans, though.

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me at all.

Yeah, Northfield's nice. Kinda small.

Nope, nobody on the corners. And all of the streetlights are white.

Mom, I'm busy with schoolwork. Anyway, I don't need money THAT badly.

So how's my big brother? Still with those guys in San Fransisco?

No, I haven't been following the news. I don't have time.

He what? That's terrible!

No, no, Mom. Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. You brought him up as best you knew how.

Well, is there something we can do? Can we get him out of there?

Yes, that's a good idea. Next November, I'll tell all of my friends not to vote for him.

Right. Maybe together we can swing the election.

I love you too, Mom. Bye now.

(Hang up) (Shake head) Parents.

(Lights down)