Characters
Robert, a college student who's never home.
Robert's girlfriend and Answering Machine Voice 1
Robert's best friend and Answering Machine Voice 2
Robert's mother and Answering Machine Voice 3
Robert's English professor and Answering Machine Voice 4
Beep

(Robert is sitting on stage. The four answering machine voices and Beep are in a line behind him. Robert presses the "play" button on his answering machine.)
G: You
BF: Have
M: Four
EP: New
BF: Messages. Message
M: One.
B: Beep.
G: Hi, honey, happy anniversary! I had a great time last night. I'm still washing off the remains of the peanut butter. I'm looking forward to that big surprise you promised me. I'll be at your room at 5:30. Bye now.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Two.
B: Beep.
EP: Hi, Robert. I know you want more time on your paper, but I'm flying out tonight, so I can only be in my office until 5:45. You'd better have it for me by then, or I won't accept it.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Three.
B: Beep.
M: Hi, Bobby. I'm calling from the airport. I'm about to take a taxi down to Northfield. Now, I'm on a tight schedule, so, honey, be sure to be at the Tavern promptly at 5:15. Now, you know I'm flying out tomorrow afternoon, so tonight's the only chance I have to see you. I'm looking forward to spending all evening with you. Maybe you can introduce me to some of your little friends. I love you, Bobby.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Four.
B: Beep.
BF: Hey, Rob-man! How's it hangin? I hear you n Cindy have something serious planned tonight! What're you gonna do about your mom? She doesn't know about Cindy, right? (guffaws) Better not let me near her, you know what stories I could tell. The dining hall doesn't even know where all that whipped cream went, but I do, man. Anyway, if you have any free time, I'm having a kegger tonight at 6. Later.
R: (Runs offstage screaming.)
EP: End of
BF: Messages.

(Scene 2. Robert is back on stage. He hits Play again.)
G: You
BF: Have
M: One
EP: New
BF: Message. Message
M: One.
B: Beep.
G: Hi, Robert, it's Cindy. I got your message, and I guess I can wait until 6:30, but I'm a little hurt. I mean, this is our anniversary and all. Well...later.
R: (Sighs with relief) Off to see Mom! (He runs off.)
EP: End of
BF: Messages.

(Scene 3. Robert is back on stage. He hits play again.)
G: You
BF: Have
M: Two
EP: New
BF: Messages. Message
M: One.
B: Beep.
EP: Hi, Robert, this is your professor again. It's 5:45, so I'm going to have to leave. It's too bad I don't have your paper. Come into my office when I get back and we'll talk about the effect this will have on your grade.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Two.
B: Beep.
M: Hello, Robert, this is your mother. I'm a little disappointed in you for running off and leaving me like that. I find it hard to believe that you had a paper due at 5:45 on a Friday evening. You're really going off and getting drunk, aren't you? Well, I'm going to stop by your room at about 6:30. This is my only chance to see you, since you're not coming home for Spring Break.
EP: End of
BF: Messages.
(R picks up the phone and dials frantically)
R: Hi, Jake, it's me. I really need to borrow your car. I think I can still catch the prof at the airport. I know you're in and out of your room, so I'll leave this message and then run over. I'll be there in a minute. Have the keys ready.
(He hangs up, and then dials again.)
R: Hi, Cindy, honey, darling, you've been so patient with me, there's just one more favor I need from you. Since you've been so wonderful I'll tell you what the surprise was going to be. I have reservations for us in that private little back room at the Archer House. Just meet me in the lobby, at 7, please? I love you.
(He hangs up and rushes out.)

(Scene 4. Robert is back on stage. He hits play again.)
G: You
BF: Have
M: One
EP: New
BF: Message. Message
M: One.
B: Beep.
BF: Hey, Robbinator! Sorry I wasn't in my room when you came over, but I had to take the car to go get the keg. Gotta keep your priorities straight, you know? Anyway, I saw Cindy on the way to the CMC. She was pretty pissed, you making her wait till 6:30 like that, man. She said you better have something really good planned. She told me she was gonna just work on her paper until 6:30, and then meet you at your room. Good luck, man.
EP: End of
BF: Messages.
R: (Smacks himself in the forehead) Maybe I can catch her before she leaves the CMC! (Dashes off)

(Scene 5. Robert is back on stage. He hits play again.)
G: You
BF: Have
M: Three
EP: New
BF: Messages. Message
M: One.
B: Beep.
G: Robert, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life! There I was, writing a message on your white board, about how I was going to give you one more chance, and your MOM shows up! You never told me your mom was coming up! But I guess you don't talk about a lot of things, since she didn't even know who I was! A whole year, and you never told your mother we were dating? Well, there's no point in telling her now, since we're through. Good-BYE.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Two.
B: Beep.
M: Robert Oswold Morton! I can see my little boy is a man now. I'm hurt. How could you not tell your mother you were dating. A whole year! Your father and I are going to have a long talk about this when I get home. What else have you not told me, Robert? Are you at least getting your work done? I'll call you tomorrow and I expect to hear the whole truth.
EP: End of
BF: Message. Message
M: Three.
B: Beep.
BF: You got busted, man! That's what you get for picking your relationships over a good kegger! Priorities, man. (Laughs long and hard.)
R: Maybe I can patch things up with Cindy. (Wanders dejectedly offstage.)

(Scene 6. Robert is back on stage.)
R: I hope she called! (Hits play)
G: You
BF: Have
M: No
EP: New
BF: Messages.
M: No
BF: Body
EP: Loves
G: You.
(Robert beats the answering machine into a mass of circuits.)
(Lights down.)