Whose Faulty Vision

Random Thought about the Current Financial Crisis

Why don’t disgraced bankers jump out of the windows of tall buildings anymore, like they did back in 1929?

The kids these days, no sense of tradition.

Action Movie Scene

Cute idea for a scene in an action movie: The hero has succeeded in breaking into the villain’s lair. He sneaks into the villain’s office, and finds a bank of computer screens displaying strange, incomprehensible patterns. He stares at them, racking his brains, trying to figure out what they could possibly mean…

…and it turns out it’s just the screensaver.

LHC Joke

Seen on Usenet:

Q: What’s the difference between the Large Hadron Collider and a large investment bank?
A: One could go catastrophically wrong and destroy the world, and the other is just a physics experiment.

Hypothetical Question

You’re sitting on the bus, and you feel a really big sneeze coming on. You look up, and sitting across the aisle from you is George W. Bush.

Do you cover your mouth?

Funny NYT Headline

My favorite headline of the day: New Fears of a Downtown in Germany. I can just imagine the suburbanites running, screaming, “Help! The downtown is coming!” (Or rather, “Helfe! Das downtown kommt!” Sorry, I don’t know the German word for “downtown.”)

Of course, they mean “downturn”, and will probably fix the headline pretty quickly, but as of when I’m posting this, it says “downtown”.

Build a Better Bomber

You know, if I ever decide to become a crazed homicidal bomber like they have in the movies, I’m going to do things a little differently.

To start, all of the wires will be the same color. And if I really must have a wire where cutting it disables the bomb, it’ll be tangled up with a hundred wires where cutting them makes the bomb go off. Why give the hero a 50/50 chance?

Oh, and no silly LCD screen telling the hero how much time he has left to disable the bomb. But if I really need it for some reason, the bomb will go off when the screen is still showing 10 or 15 minutes left.

Today’s crazed homicidal bombers make things far too easy for the action heroes.

Actual Quotes, Which I Swear I’m Not Making Up, from a Handout Found at The PetCo in Union Square

Is a hissing cockroach the right companion animal for you?

Check “Yes” or “No” after reading the following statements.

1. I have an appropriate location and space for this cockroach.
2. I can feed and clean up after a cockroach daily.
3. I want a pet that doesn’t need to be cuddled or touched.
4. I can commit to providing proper care for a cockroach.
5. A mature person will provide responsible and primary care for this companion animal.

If you answered “Yes” to these statements, a Madagascar hissing cockroach may be the right choice for you!

Okay, Madagascar hissing cockroaches are cool critters, and I would never suggest that they should be abused just because they’re overgrown versions of the pests that NYC apartment dwellers pay good money to have killed. But come on, it’s a cockroach. It’s not a “companion animal.”

(As a side note, it’s funny that a company called “PetCo” seems to be trying as hard as possible to avoid the word “pet”.)

But that’s not the best part. Check this:

Red Flags

• Swollen limbs
• Lethargic
• Bumps, sores or abrasions
• Weight loss
• Abnormal feces
• Discharge in mouth or eyes
• Dull exoskeleton

If you notice any of these signs, please contact your exotic animal veterinarian.

Yeah, I can just see that, can’t you? I rush in to my exotic animal veterinarian, yelling, “quick, doc! You’ve got to help! My cockroach has abnormal feces, and I think he may be losing weight!”