Whose Faulty Vision

Every time I think I’m doing better, something happens to drag me back down. Yesterday was a really good day for me, and then today I remembered something that happened when we were still together, and got blindingly angry all over again.

He came to visit her once not long after she moved to New York. (She says that they didn’t have sex during that visit, that it was over before she left Ithaca. I don’t know if I believe her–it’s not like she’s been terribly honest with me. But even taking her at her word, this story’s pretty bad.) Now, early after her move to NYC, she was desperately missing Ithaca, so a steady stream of Ithaca friends were coming down to visit her. Every time, the pattern was the same–she wanted alone time with them, which meant I had to disappear for the weekend. Which I wasn’t happy about at all, but I tolerated it because I thought it was just a phase she was going through.

Anyway, the same pattern happened with him, where I was expected to not see her until he left. It was a longer visit than usual–3 or 4 nights–so I was making more unhappy noises than usual. She agreed to spend the evening with me, the last night he was in town. She came over to my place, and we watched something, and ended up having really good sex. Afterward, I wanted her to stay and cuddle, or go back to her place with her and cuddle there. She said no, and left.

She left my arms to go and be with my cuckold.

She left my arms to go and be with my cuckold!

Our relationship was over then, it’s just that I didn’t realize it for a year and a half.

When I remembered that, I wanted to cry, or throw up, or smash something, or maybe all of them at once.

I so deserve someone better than her.